GRUMPY’S BOOT CAMP


In an earlier BLOG Grumpy indicated that a naked session in front of the mirror exposed some soft tissue issues with his 63 year old body. Indeed, there were areas of sag and lag, which in turn made him look like a bag of new potatoes: frumpy and lumpy.

So he decided, at that time, that the only way he was about to improve upon his profile (Picture Alfred Hitchcock in silhouette) was to embark on a radical fitness regimen.

zzzzzFATBack in the day, in another BLOG, “Wearing Your Pants like Hip-Waders”, Grumpy mentioned how it seems as if his bulbous butt had been lopped off with a sharp sword. Then, all of those fat cells somehow migrated to the front of the body to produce a middle-aged protuberance.

Grumpy sees old guys at the mall whose pants droop at the back like empty backpacks, whilst their bellies bulge in rollovers of dramatic proportion. He doesn’t know how they walk without falling flat on their faces.

An African Canadian buddy of Grumps calls this, “White man’s disease!”

Anyway, you get the picture. Grumpy didn’t like what he saw and, as he had in every successive decade of his life, he instituted his own form of BOOT CAMP.

You see, the past decades went something like this:

1970 and 1991 – RUNNING:

This old fart would run anywhere from 35 to 45 miles a week. At 40 he received the ultimate runners compliment when someone asked, “Have you been sick?” Grumpy was thin and svelte. Man, he was a lean, mean, running machine.

Then, at age 41, middle age walked up to him and bit him in the ass.

Grumpy developed this weird allergy thing where he would break out in hives when he ran or got overheated (Picture Martin Short after the bee sting), he developed runner’s knee (Arthroscopic Surgery), had plantar fasciitis in both feet and life became so busy, there was little time to run.

1991 -2013 –WALKING:

So, Grumpy took to the streets.

Forcing himself to slow down and walk, kept him in relatively good shape. Actually, for about ten years he was able to keep to a regimen of walking just about every day.

Then he turned 50.

The walking sessions became fewer and far between. The metamorphosis was gradual, but the lean, mean machine transformed into something akin to a car wreck. Even the parts that worked were in far from good running order. For all intents and purposes, his get-up-and go, got up and went.

Fast forward to 2009, Grumpy was but months away from his 60th birthday and the “sh*t hit the fan”. The mirror never lies, my friends. He knew what he needed.

BOOT CAMP!

Here is the program Grumpy designed for myself a way back then.

GRUMPY’S BOOTCAMP 2009

WALKING 4 to 6 TIMES A DAY

ZZZZoldtimerWell, part of Grumpy’s fitness plan is to walk “Pumba the Farting Dog” three times a day. The stooping to scoop part is getting better as his flexibility increases. Grumpy and Mr. Poo walk in a park where the grade is an uphill marathon. Pumba’s little legs still pull him along like he’s dragging a cadaver.

Then, two or three times a day Grumpy walks around the 1 mile block in the subdivision. He carries a stick to ward off the dogs. Grumpy calls it his doggy suppository. You see back in his running days Grumpy was attacked by a hungry Doberman. He has the scars to prove it.

Did Grumpy mention that he power walks.

Oh, yes, he motors around that block at close to jogging speed. But, it’s getting so cold, he must dress in layers. Sometimes he look like an Eskimo running away from a Polar Bear. His neighbors run for their doors when they see him coming! Really Grumpy look like some kind of over bundled vagrant carrying that stick.

So far, he’s  walked 5500 times since 2009. Yes, you read that right – over 5000 walks in four years.

TIA CHI

Grumpy picked up a CD by David Carradine. That’s right, the actor found dead with his nuts in a knot. It actually is quite hilarious to watch. The participants, including David, wear workout wear that look like spacesuits. The music is new age, and they all look stoned. David talks in his Caine-like voice, espousing, “Come to me, come to me!”

No, thanks, David, Grumpy like his nuts just the way they are, safely ensconced in his BVD’s. But, the exercises are turning out to be quite good. Grumpy feels he’s getting ripped under that comfortable layer of fat he carries. He claims his belly is a protective covering for his six-pack anyways. (Well it’s more like a twelve pack now.)

Sometimes, David will say, “Feel the CHI running through to your hand.” Well, David, this guy has another word for that feeling. It’s called pain.

You know, Grumpy scanned every video store and he can’t find one workout video directed at a male over 50 audience. They all have voluptuous women on the cover wearing pink tights.

Grumpy’s daughter lent him here yoga CD and all Grumpy kept looking for was a little more cleavage from the demonstrator. (Very distracting in a Boot Camp) And, do you know what? , it’s hard to do some of those poses when you might just poke yourself in the eye.

STAIR MASTER THINGY AND TREADMILL

Yes, Grumpy has both of them. Before he doe the Tai-Chi workout he warms up on the machines. Sometimes he watches an episode of CSI while he go through the motions. He didn’t know watching CSI could be so tiring. But, as he stated early, seeing all those cadavers is MOTIVATING.

ISOMETRICS

Grumpy had this high school football coach that believed you could keep yourself looking buff with the muscle vs. muscle approach. (RESISTENCE TRAINING) You’d push or pull one muscle against another muscle or against an immovable object. He’d stand in doorways while he taught, pushing on the door jams. He’d sit at his desk pulling up on the desktop or his chair.

I’m afraid the only muscle Grumpy was working on in high school was his “Molson Muscle”. But, as he got older he often gave the technique a try.

ZZZZBROAs part of boot camp, before every shower and sometimes during, Grumpy pulls one arm against the other or uses a towel to provide the resistance. The problem is that we have a huge mirror in our bathroom.

Flexed muscle, under dough-boy skin, does not provide a very impressive picture. Grumpy look like a naked Cabbage Patch doll. He can’t decide whether he’s building bigger pectorals or he’s developing man boobs. Pretty soon he’ll be in need one of Cramer’s “BROS”. (The Seinfeld Show)

GRUMPY  BOUGHT A RESISTANCE CORD AND AN INSTRUCTIONAL

The resistance cord is a piece of surgical latex cord with two handles attached at the ends. (NET COST OF MANUFACTURE: $4.00) Grumpy read the warning that latex may cause an allergic reaction, but a lifetime of safe-sex put me at ease. Remember he only break out in hives when he runs. (Grumpy sometimes claim that he’s allergic to exercise)

The video actually has a guy demonstrating and there’s a bonus; one of the followers looks older and less fit than Grumpy. The exercises are fairly simple and you do feel the burn in your muscles.

There are some drawbacks, however. You don’t want to let that handle slip out of your hand at full extension. One slip and the family jewels might just get gob-smacked.

CONCLUSION:

Grumpy has been walking for over 5 years and BOOTCAMPING it for the past 4 years – plus. He’s lost exactly three pounds.

You see, to every Ying there is a Yang. The consumption of alcohol, the availability of junk food, an unlocked refrigerator door and the like, are counterproductive to body reshaping. One look in the mirror and Grumpy can prove it to you.

My daughter had this to say. “Well, Dad, you know muscle weighs more than fat, and you’ve gained a lot of muscle.”

Right!

Grumpy complimented his nephew on Thanksgiving weekend by saying, “Boy, you look bigger, you’ve been working out, eh?”

He smiled and said, “Ya, I’ve been pumping a little iron.”

imagesCABNO52HThen, Grumpy added how he had been working out, too; standing up to show the results.

His niece broke in with, “You do look bigger, Uncle Grumpy.” But, it was the sparkle in her her Spockian Eye that revealed that maybe this wasn’t “bigger” in a Hulk Hogan kind of way.

You see, she was looking somewhere near Grumpy’s midriff region.

“I mean, you have more muscle, too!” she added, with her face turning beet red.

In conclusion, Grumpy does feel a whole lot better. He has more energy and fewer aches and pains. He’s losing inches, if not losing pounds. (He can hardly keep my pants up with the belt in the last notch) And, he will stick to this BOOTCAMP regimen (Five Years and Counting).  By Christmas, he expects to be chiseled and svelte.

My apologies to you, because the before and after pictures are currently under construction and/or investigation. Check back here every now and then, though. Grumpy will have them up in no time.

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