You must be a Redneck if . . .

Every time I think I’ve come up with something new for this blog space I get gobsmacked with something else. Try as I might I just can’t get away from the Redneck/Podunk theme that seems so pervasive here in Norfolk County.

Upon scanning the local Want Ad paper (The Lakeshore Shopper), my eyes were draw to this particular advertisement. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that they were going to hold a DEMOLITION DERBY, in the snow, in the winter.

They even have classes:

Pro Class (Are there actually professional Demolition Derbiers?)

Full Sized Straight Stock (The NASCAR of demolition, I presume.)

Minimash (As opposed to the Maximash?)

The Lucas Oil 4cyl Figure Eight Race

Say what? I think that’s the one where all hell breaks loose in the middle cross-over section.

Lezz-go! Bang-Smash-Pow!


I’m glad they boldly stated that SNOW TIRES are REQUIRED! There wouldn’t be much smashing if the cars couldn’t move. The crowd would be screaming, “More sand! More salt! Bring on the front end loaders!”

No doubt, the kids would be yelling, “Snow day! Snow day! Yeah!”

Now let me tell you a little something about Tillsonburg. That’s the place “Stomping’ Tom Connors” sang about. (He of the piece of plywood stomped into kindling as he sings.)

“Tillsonburg, Tillsonburg, my back still aches when I hear that word!”

You see, at one time, this fair community was in the heart of tobacco country. Old Tom was singing about priming those leaves by hand out in the fields. Tom is also the writer of that classic, “The Good Old Hockey Game.”

Another famous local is Colin Campbell, one of the Vice Presidents of the National Hockey League. He’s the guy that doles out the suspensions for head shots and the like. Perhaps they could bring him in for the Derby to monitor the “hitting from behind.” No, that wouldn’t work in a Demo Derby would it! Don Cherry you can put those stop-sign stickers in your back pocket.

Here are the actual DD rules if you’re interested.

Here’s a good one.

5. Aggressive driving is limited to the track during the race.  It will not be tolerated in the pit area

But, I think road rage is the entire purpose of the event don’t you.  Go figure?

6. If a car catches fire while participating the driver will be immediately disqualified, unless in the final position in which case the 2nd place car must make a competitive hit (2-3 second carburetor fires will be tolerated if it extinguishes without assistance)

Holy Hannah, if my car catches on fire my ass would be out of there and running for cover before the smoke cleared the windshield.

And, what about rule #8?

8. There is ZERO TOLERANCE for the use of any alcohol or drugs prior to or during the race.

I’d like to see the police set up a RIDE stop during this mayhem! That would be quite a show in the snow. But, I guess after the race anything goes.


BTW, back when I was a classroom teacher one of my students, Josh, told me about how he and his grand pappy prepared GRAIN COMBINES for the GRAIN COMBINE Demolition Derby. That’s right, massive combines fighting it out for smash-up supremacy. Better get out there you Transformers fans. Did I mention that the boy was 12 and drove transport trucks for his grandpa on back country roads? “Ya, I jist help him out movin’ em around, is all!”

How about a Demo Derby in the MUD!


Actually this whole winter has been a bit of a DEMOLITION DERBY on Ontario’s roads. Just a few weekends back the Ontario Provincial Police reported investigating 1600 accidents in two days. And, we’ve all heard of those massive car pileups.

So, in these wintery conditions SLOW DOWN and drive CAREFULLY. You don’t want to end up in one of these.

Hi Ho!





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