FACT: BABY ASPIRIN CAN KILL YOU


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FACT: BABY ASPIRIN CAN KILL YOU

I’m sure that if you are older than dirt your doctor has prescribed a daily dose of “Baby Aspirin” to keep you alive and kicking.  Aspirin, the wonder drug, is said to thin your blood and prevent blood clots, protect your digestive plumbing from cancer and cause four hour erections. (I’m just kidding about that last one.)

Without a doubt, that little 85 mg enteric coated bill is being sold by the billions. Just look at the unit cost at your typical Canadian pharmacy. Astro-FN- nomical!  LOW DOSE Aspirin is just a little cheaper than Viagra in Canada.

Go figure?

That’s why I stock up on this little wonder pill when I’m in the US A. My 3 pack of 120 pills (One year’s supply) cost barely one half the cost of a small plastic container in Canada. Yes, I’ve been running this contraband back from Florida for many years. I’ve been thinking about bringing back a tractor trailer load and selling it on the street.

I’d don a trench coat and hang out in the parking lot at Tim Horton’s, secret myself in the laxative aisle at local pharmacies or attend bridge or euchre fests at the Senior Centre selling these little gems to desperate seniors. I bet I could quadruple my investment.

Dateline Simcoe Distorter: Police Break Up Blood Thinner Cartel: Pinegrove Man in Custody

Hey, you’re only other choice for savings in Canada is to start chewing willow whips.

But, no matter what your doctor says, I’m here to tell you that baby aspirin can KILL YOU!

How do I know this? Here’s what one expert had to say.

“Overall, aspirin is a highly effective medical treatment when used appropriately, but it is not yet a drug that should be taken unsupervised on a daily basis, even at low doses.”

Well, I’m definitely unsupervised a lot of the time. That’s why Grumpy gets into trouble and creates so many “Jimbo Moments” which, in turn, gives him countless fodder for these posts. Unsupervised people over 55 are their own worst enemies and I have the scars to prove it.

But, consider the facts.

FACT: ASPIRIN THINS YOUR BLOOD

Indeed, even a small paper cut can cause your blood to pour out of you like warm tap water. Apply pressure and you’ll find you’ll be holding that sucker for at least an hour. Release the pressure and you might create a geyser that splatters the ceiling. A forensics team, upon viewing the stain, would think someone had been shot given your current level of blood splatter.

One time I nicked my finger and tried holding my hand above my head. A rivulet of blood proceeded to run down my arm to my armpit. Heck, as you age your skin becomes so thin the slightest brush by off a pointed object causes you to bleed.

Cut yourself shaving and you might be taking an unplanned trip to the Emergency Ward.

And bruises, well I guess they’re just about everywhere now.

DOCTOR: Pardon me for asking, but I am concerned. You’re not into bondage are you, Mr. Grumpy?

One time my 70 year old father-in-law and I were trimming a vine in Florida. This was a prickly vine with small thorns everywhere. When my father-in-law emerged from the brush he looked like he’d been in a medieval sword fight. Trickles of blood ran everywhere, down his forearms, legs and his face. Elderly ladies were fainting all over the place, little children ran in every direction, gators were coming up from the lake in droves to attend this blood bath and I almost thought I should DIAL 911 -STAT.

Just watch how fast that vial fills up the next time you go for a blood draw. The nurse will be holding on to that vial with two hands. Perish the thought that she lets go of that sucker. You’ll be painting the town red – literally.

Hell, I’m afraid a bleeding nose could be fatal. That’s why I’ve given up fisticuffs, permanently. It seems as if everyone needs a “cut man” these days.

I think we older folks should carry a handy-dandy tourniquet in our pockets for our own protection, don’t you. Now there’s a marketing idea for you!

FACT: YOU ARE TOLD TO STOP ASPIRIN THERAPY IF YOU NEED SURGERY, DENTAL WORK OR ARE ABOUT TO GO FOR A POOP TEST.

Yes folks, if you require surgery, dental work or need that government paid-for “Poop-Test Smear”, you are told to get off the aspirin prior to because those little buggers you ingest can cause both EXCESSIVE (see above) and/or INTERNAL BLEEDING!

I also imagine that your blood reverts to its former porridge-like consistency when you cease and desist. All those little platelets gather together in little groups and plot your demise. It probably goes something like this.

PAULY PLATELET: Hey, dude, I haven’t seen you in ages.

PAM PLATELET: Well, I’ve been out and about and spreading myself thin, Pauly

PAULY PLATELET: Seems a little busy today, eh. Lots of traffic here. A little congested don’t you think? What say we call everyone together for a little party?

PAM PLATELET: Man that would be a killer. We platelets got to stick together, right?

I can see that blood clot growing to be as big as a bunion, can’t you? You’re either going to bleed to death in surgery or have the big one. Take your pick.

Don’t believe me? Well, the renowned MAYO CLINIC in Minnesota had this to say.

You might be surprised to learn that stopping daily aspirin therapy can have a rebound effect that may increase your risk of heart attack. If you have had a heart attack or a stent placed in one or more of your heart arteries, stopping daily aspirin therapy can lead to a life-threatening heart attack. If you’ve been taking daily aspirin therapy and want to stop, it’s important to talk to your doctor before making any changes. Suddenly stopping daily aspirin therapy could have a rebound effect that may trigger a blood clot.

Hey, Doctor Paul didn’t tell me that one. Now I’m beginning to feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

But, when push comes to shove, neither of these dangers concerns me the most. There is one other thing about baby aspirin that will kill you and that, my friends, is the PACKAGING.

FACT: BABY ASPIRIN PACKAGING IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH

Yes, my friends, the most dangerous part of aspirin therapy is the booby-trapped packaging.

First of all this product is placed in the smallest of bottles, given the tiny size of the pills. The child proof bottle cap is small and difficult for carpal tunnel affected fingers and hands and/or a male’s big stubby fingers to manipulate. The bottle opening is smaller than that of the one you fire your urine sample into. And finally, because 120 pills take up such a small space (barely cover the bottom) they stuff the whole thing with a giant wad of cotton batten.

So, let me allow you to be a fly on the wall in Grumpy’s bathroom at bedtime. This is the official time Grumpy swallows his 85 mg pill. It is also the time his “Baby-Aspirin” tries to kill him.

Its 10 pm and Grump’s is preparing himself for bed. Clutching the Baby Aspirin bottle in his chubby little hands he struggles to remove the tiny child-proof cap. His carpal tunnel affected fingers fumble and stumble, and losing their grip the bottle tumbles to the floor.

GRUMPY: “WTF -% $#(**@ Damn PILLS!”

He bends over through all of the stiffness and the aches and the pains and fumbles to gather up that elusive vial. He touches it once, twice and every time he touches it, it rolls just out of his reach. It’s like the opposite poles of magnets, he’s thinking.

On at least three occasions he gets that bottle in his grip, only to drop it again and again and again.

GRUMPY: “WTF -% $#(**@ Damn bottle, geez”

Finally he gathers the bottle up and with a twist, a grunt and a boisterous “ *$%#@ ”   the cap comes free. The cap slips through his fingers and cartwheels to the floor like a misspent Frisbee, of course.

GRUMPY: “AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! WTF -% $#(**@”

THE GOOD WIFE: “Are you alright in there, Grumpy?”

GRUMPY: “Yes dear, I’m just taking my meds. I’m fine. I’ll just be a minute.”

Grumpy peers into the small opening of the bottle and all he can see is a great white cloud of cotton batten. He’s tried, at times, to remove this blockage but after pulling long strands of the stuff out of there, a huge lump still remains. It is as if the cotton actually continues to grow in there. Grumpy has never liked touching that stuff anyway since his bad experience sitting on Santa’s lap as a two year old.

He inserts his Peter Pointer and begins to swill around in search of that tiny little pill. Every once and a while he will find one and so he tries to gently pull it up the side of the tipped-on-its-side bottle, but to no avail. Finally, he gets one of the little buggers up to the lip of the aperture. Just as he tries to slip the pill into his hand it slides through his fingers and makes its way to the floor.

KERPLUNK!

GRUMPY: “These %%#*@ pills are driving me %#$*@ crazy. Geez Louise! Where did the damn thing go now?”

Now Grumpy doesn’t wear his glasses at this time of night. So now he’s trying to find that tiny white pill on that big white floor. He’s on his knees searching, feeling his way along the tiles.

He easily manages to find that big white cap, but now he is feeling around the floor with his hands for that little white pill. He wonders if the five second rule applies to medications.

GRUMPY: “ WTF – % $#(**@ ! Where is that  &%$#$ pill?”

Finally he puts a finger on the pill, brushes off the dust bunny, rubs it on his sleep shirt, and hobbles over to the sink on his knees to grab a paper cup, some water and down that sucker once and for all.

Just as he is about to down it, the pill slips from his grip, falls into the sink, slides down the porcelain slope and disappears down the drain.

GRUMPY SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS: “ UUUUUUUGGGGGGG! This FN $%#$ pill is going to be the death of me. %$3&@# GEEEEEEZ !”

At that precise moment the Good Wife bursts into the room. Her face is drawn and white. She is concerned.

GOOD WIFE: “Grumpy, what’s going on? Are you sure you’re alright! Your face is as red as a beet!”

GRUMPY:  BIG SIGH AND LONG PAUSE “No, dear, but I think you’d better call 911.

GOOD WIFE: What?

LONG DRAWN OUT PAUSE INTERSPERSED WITH MOANING AND HEAVY BREATHING AS GRUMPY SLINKS TO THE COLD FLOOR.

GRUMPY: “I think I’m starting to have major chest pains. I’m think I’m having the #$%@%$ big one, honey! ”

So, you see, one way or another, BABY ASPIRIN is trying to kill you.

And, do you know what? I don’t know why the ER Doctor was considering a psychiatric assessment for me after I kept insisting on that irrefutable fact.

Go figure?

But, to be on the safe side, let’s just keep this little secret between you and me. It might just save your bacon.

Hi! Ho!

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One thought on “FACT: BABY ASPIRIN CAN KILL YOU

  1. Wonderful site. Plenty of useful info here. I am sending it to several friends
    ans also sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks for your effort!

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