Food or Not Food, that is the question?

Food or Not Food, that is the question?

Man, do I love Cheez Whiz!

Ever since I was a rug-rat I’ve loved smearing that orange stuff on just about anything. Hey, like celery filled with the Wiz! You can’t beat that. My personal favorite was a bread and butter pickle sandwich slathered in Whiz.


A few years ago I awoke to breakfast table set with a stack of toast and a big jar of that cheesy delight. My buddy obviously followed along the same Cheez Whiz trail. Cheez Wiz was and is the ultimate spread for me.

Just last week, as I meandered through the grocery store (old guys meander), the Cheez Wiz shelf suddenly came into view. Instant salivation! But, I thought the better of it, given the price and the current state of my waistline. I have been craving a Whiz fix for months. Nevertheless, I took a pass.

That’s when some sort of psychic bolt of lightning emanated from my cerebral cortex to travel interstellar space and seek refuge in a receptive mind. Usually that mind is that of the Good Wife.

Really, I didn’t feel a thing.

You see, about three days later, the Good Wife came home from a Saturday of running a few errands. She was carrying a bundle of groceries. Reaching into one of the bags she said, “I thought you’d like some of this!”

I noticed that she was clutching one of those small jars of my delicious cheesy treat. It’s almost scary how often these telepathic things happen. But I was happy as a pig in excrement that she’d picked up on my vibe!

But something else happened this week that set my mind to asking, “Is Cheez Wiz food? Is Cheez Whiz really cheese?”

You are all aware of our Farting Dog Pumba, as many of his antics have been detailed here. Well, Pumba is a maniac when it comes to cheese. One whiff of cheese and he becomes a slobbering Mexican jumping bean.

You pull the cheddar from the fridge and you have circus dog walking on his back legs or leaping at your side. He can be languishing outside (the perfect time for me to grab a few cheddar bits) and he’ll go ape shit over the very scent of it; howling and whining as if he was a starving slum dog. He’ll scratch on the door like a recovering crack addict until you let him in. For Pumba, cheese is the monkey on his back. You see, my dog is an admitted cheese-head!

But, get this!

Every time I pull my jar of Whiz from the fridge and pop that lid there is nary a reaction from Mr. Poo; no sniffing, no leaping, no circus dog antics. Nada! The dog acts as if I have nothing of food value in my hand. Heck, he doesn’t even lift his head off the floor.

This leads me to believe that Cheez Whiz is not cheese at all; in fact, it may not even be food. Cheez Whiz never has, and never will pass the Pumba test.

Pardon the graphic description but, I truly believe I could spread Cheez Whiz on Pumba’s private parts and he wouldn’t bother to lick it off.  Disgustingly sad, but true!

This reminds me of one of my favorite stories by comedian, Ron White. He complains of his wife’s cooking; saying things like, “Dear the smoke detector going off doesn’t signify that dinner is done!”

Commenting on one of his wife’s meals, (one he refused to eat and that she later fed to the dog), he said, “I looked over and he was licking his butt to get the taste out of his mouth!”


Now in the interest of sound research and the health of my reading public I have found the answer. (Those who get the audio version –turn up the volume.)

Cheez Wiz is food!

From WIKIPEDIA ( : that marvellous authority on all things wonderful and important:

“Cheez Whiz is one of a number of “processed cheese foods”, a category including similar products like Velveeta and some types of individually-wrapped cheese slices. These products contain regular cheese that has been reprocessed along with additional ingredients such as emulsifiers and stabilizing agents, such as xanthan gum or carrageenan. These products derive their tanginess and flavor from additional ingredients such as citric acid and flavoring compounds. Annatto is used for coloring.”

Now, I know I just can’t get enough emulsifiers,stabilizing agents and xanthan gum in my food, can you? And who, pray tell, doesn’t like a huge dose of carrageenan every once and a while?

One commentator added, “So it’s cheese, in the sense that it starts from cheese and is processed into something that’s roughly the consistency of snot. But is it fine aged Cheddar? No way!”

Hey, buddy, just try spreading fine aged cheddar on a hot dog roll. Can’t be done, no way no how!

Here are a couple of other weird food items I was able to cull from the thousands you can find with a good old GOOGLE Search. I’ll give you a couple of warnings to heed along the way and, if you hang in thir until the end, I’ll give you the full recipe for Grumpy’s Wizbang Nacho Ballpark Jerk.

So, here we go.


Raw Chia Seeds

QUOTE: “The explosively popular Chia pet of the 1970s has given way to a whole new use for those fast-sprouting seeds: health and nutrition. Known to be staple food in the ancient Aztec, Mayan, and Incan cultures, chia seeds contain many of the same nutritional properties as flaxseeds, including omega-3s, easily digestible protein, antioxidants, fiber, and vitamins. Navitas Naturals recommends sprinkling this fad-gone-serious food product in oatmeal, granola, smoothies, and bread dough.”

WARNING: Do not get these seeds wet or you will have CHIA PET hair all over your furniture and your carpets. Throw out the vacuum because you’ll be cleaning the house with a lawn mower from here on in. And folks, human hair balls are not a pretty thing to have rolling across the floor. Do not eat Chia seeds to excess.

Perky Jerky

QUOTE:  “Not only is Perky Jerky fun to say, but it’s also an all-natural, teriyaki-pepper-flavored snack that promises to “power professional adults to keep them focused and alert all day long” — a bold claim for dried beef, but the assertion may hold water. This jerky is made perky through an infusion of guarana, a plant of Brazilian origins that contains twice the amount of caffeine as coffee beans.

WARNING: That jerky might just be your hands shaking after you overdose on caffeine. And folks, it goes without saying that most power professionals are JERKS anyway! One of them might be your boss. Case closed!

And then, here’s one more FROM the (iVillage) .

Hot Dog Chips

QUOTE: “Want that hot dog taste without eating an actual hot dog? 7-Eleven has got you covered. The convenience store recently debuted potato chips made to mimic the flavor of its Big Bite hot dogs, complete with mustard, ketchup and relish. Even snackers who don’t eat actual hot dogs can enjoy this one — the chips are surprisingly vegetarian.”

WARNING: If it tastes like hotdog and smells like hotdog it still might not be hotdog. Indeed, it might be “surprisingly vegetarian”. And, don’t try to barbecue these delicacies. You might create a blowback fire of eyebrow singeing proportions.

So, as promised, here’s a great new recipe for you. I call it Grumpy’sWiz Nacho Ballpark Jerk. I’m thinking of rustling some up for next year’s Super Bowl Party.

MMMMmmmmmmmmm! Good!

Grumpy’s Wizbang Nacho Ballpark Jerk

Ingredients: Cheez Wiz, Raw Chia seeds, Perky Jerky, Hot Dog Chips, and Crunchy Condiments.


Carefully cut Perky Jerky into bite sized bits. (Use de- guaranated jerky for less caffeine kick) Put aside.

Set out Chia seeds on damped paper towel for two days until they sprout. (Trim with scissors if sprouts become shaggy.)

Bake Hot Dog chips in a 400 degree oven for 10 minutes until brown and extra crispy. (Drizzle with hot extra virgin olive oil before baking) Note if your olive oil is not virgin then it probably has been around your house too long.

Set out the biggest honking jar of Cheez Wiz you can buy and bring it to room temperature. (DO NOT stick your finger in jar to test cheesy quality. Safe food handling is a must.)


In a 20 inch baking pan layer chips, sprout and jerky bits until you have a mountainous mound –the bigger the better.

Heat that jar of Wiz in the microwave long enough to break down those emulsifiers, and stabilizing agents. You will know it is ready when it bubbles and has the consistency of cheap cough syrup. (The runnier the better.)

Using oven mitts pour the entire contents of Wiz jar over your chip mountain until it looks like the eruption of Mount Vesuvius.

Sprinkle with one of your favorite crunchy condiments. (Salty Peanuts, pretzels, almonds, Nibs, M and M’s, Gold Fish Crackers or Mung Beans if that is your preference)

Bake in 425 oven until golden brown or Smoke Detector goes off.

Serve with massive amounts of beer.

Now, ladies and gentleman that’s what I call food.



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