MONDAY MUSINGS EPISODE #2: Humorous Wild and Crazy Food Fun Facts

Previously we’ve discussed Cheez Wiz and other products in a “food, not food” kind of dissertation. I also gave you a recipe for some awesome Wizbang Nacho Ballpark Jerk;a definite must have for your Grey Cup or Super Bowl party this season.

So, in keeping with Grump’s culinary service and instruction, he’d like to present these three recent food-related news items for your information and perusal. These surely are some Wild and Crazy Food Fun Facts.


By Patrick Genthon, REUTERS


QUOTE: “Bees at a cluster of apiaries in northeastern France have been producing honey in mysterious shades of blue and green, alarming their keepers who now believe residue from containers of M&M’s candy processed at a nearby biogas plant is the cause.”

“Since August, beekeepers around the town of Ribeauville in the region of Alsace have seen bees returning to their hives carrying unidentified colorful substances that have turned their honey unnatural shades.”

It seems as if the bees have been feeding off the sweet-sticky waste from M and M’s at the local Mar’s Plant. Unlike their human counterparts, the bees do not, “Eat the red ones first.”

The problem, according to the beekeepers is that the honey produced by these bees takes on the colour from the M and M’s. They claim this honey is no longer marketable.

Grumpy’s says that’s a lot of bunk.

He remembers when the marketing of “green Ketchup” was a huge success a few years back. Kids enjoyed the Ketchup flavour but loved the green slime effect on their hotdogs, Kraft Dinner and bologna sandwiches.

It says here that there is a lot of potential for the use of coloured honey.

In the interest of research and our continued development as consumers and human beings, Grump’s found some creative uses for honey that may adapt well to the coloured variety.


Skin MoisturizerHoney, when mixed with eggs and some flour, is an effective skin moisturizer.

Most products used for women’s facials are coloured in some way. So, why not bring out a flavoured facial (M and M’s) in each of the candy’s colours. Not only would it be good for the skin, it would be edible. “Suck my face”, would take on a new meaning, don’t you think?

Improves Blood FlowHoney, being rich in glucose, is known to improve the blood flow through the fortification of blood’s formation. Glucose provides energy in the bloodstream, which is distributed throughout the body. As a result, the blood produced has the proper consistency.

So instead of that “Little Blue Pill” that has become so popular for the treatment of ED in men, why not blue-honey salves that can be applied in generous proportions to the affected area? They could call the stuff, BEE-AGRA. (See skin moisturizer above for additional uses and benefits.)

Relaxant for Anxiety and NervousnessHoney’s nutrients produce a calming effect, especially when taken in significant amounts.

Hey, I’m all for honey-brown lager and already drink massive amounts of beer. That, my friends, is what makes Grumpy lumpy.

So, Grumpy says why not mix Green Honey with beer on St. Paddy’s Day. What a perfect combination. Because honey also provides you with an Energy BoosterHoney’s glucose content will be absorbed by the brain and in the bloodstream, reducing fatigue in the process. You’ll be healthy and quite happy just by consuming the simple solution. No one wants to be around an Irishman when he starts to cry and breaks into a chorus of, “Danny Boy!”

Because, isn’t that what the world needs more of – happy, energetic drinkers?

I rest my case.


By Isolde Raftery, NBC News

QUOTE: “On Wednesday morning, Terry V. Garner, a 70-year-old Oregon farmer, went to feed his animals. Several hours later, when he hadn’t returned, a family member went to look for him and found, on the ground of the hog enclosure, his dentures. 

Further investigation of the enclosure by the family member revealed that the hogs, which each weighed about 700 pounds, had nearly completely eaten the farmer, although some body parts were strewn about the enclosure.”

Undeniably, Charlotte’s Web might now read, “Some Hungry Pigs!”

Imagine a band of those cute little porkers mowing down on Old MacDonald while screaming in unison, “Give us more Mac-farmers. Hold the special sauce!”

“EE-eye-EE-eye-Oh, my God! This gives “pigging out” a brand new meaning, my friends.

Also, sources say the pig leading the charge goes by the gang-banger name of, “The Baconator”. It seems as if his girlfriend Wendy put him up to this. (She appeared in a recent spread in Playboar) How naïve of us to think that the Swine Flu would get us in the end!

And folks, I guess, according to the article, this event is more common than we think, “This isn’t the first time hogs have eaten their farmers. In 2004, a Romanian woman was knocked unconscious and eaten by the pigs on her farm, UPI reported at the time. The news report did not say whether the woman survived, only that the pigs had eaten the woman’s ears and half her face. Her husband, sedated, told reporters: “I’ll never breed such beasts again.”

Well, in retrospect, I guess we’ve been eating these beasts for years. A little payback now and then can be expected. After all, Porky Pig always seemed to be carrying a shotgun, now that I think of it.

And, is it no wonder that this Little Pig went, “Wee- Wee- Wee” all the way home. You see, he got wind that his folks were serving pulled Mac-Farmer sandwiches for supper!

(Insert chorus of groans here.)

Alright, I hear you, Grumpy HAS taken this a little too far.


Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout


QUOTE: “A US brewery which announced it was making beer out of bull testicles as an April Fool’s Day stunt has now done it for real.

“So we’ve turned our joke into a reality. We’ve been making ballsy beer for the past few years. Mr. Brown (the brewer) described the beer as an “assertive foreign-style stout, slightly viscous, with a deep brown colour”.

Bully for Mr. Brown who has now brought the term “Prairie Oyster” to a state of worldwide recognition.

Prairie Oyster, of course, is the term westerners use to describe Bull Testicles, and no, I’m not referring to the ones you see hanging from the back of pickup trucks. Those are two tennis balls in a lady’s stocking, my friends. I say the Yahoo’s hanging these off their hitches exhibit bad taste, don’t you. Tennis ball flavoured beer is just plain stupid.

But wait, Mr. Brown goes on to say, “It has equally deep flavors of chocolate syrup, Kahlua, and espresso, along with a palpable level of alcohol and a savory umami-like note (pleasant savory taste). It finishes dry and roasted with a fast-fading hop bite.”

Thank God the beer doesn’t taste like bulls balls. That kind of aftertaste would be just plain nasty. It’s bad enough kissing a smoker let alone someone who has bull balls on their breath. Now, folks that would be just disgusting!

(Insert chorus of groans here.)

As for the deep flavors of chocolate syrup, Kahlua, and espresso, along with a palpable level of alcohol and a savory umami-like note, Grumpy says he’ll drink to that. Chocolate beer sounds great given that they put chocolate in just about every other product in the grocery store these days. You see, Grumpy “can’t get enough of his Cocoa Puffs” or his “Count Choc-ula”.

Having known Grump’s for a while now, you also know he’s all for beer umami’s.

Grumpy says, “Bring it on, cowboy!”

Hey, before he takes Pumba the Farting dog for a walk, Grumpy just thought of a great slogan for this new beer.

“Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout is for Schwingers.”




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