The Golden Hemorrhoid

Living in a Socialist State like Canada does provide benefits. Thanks to Tommy Douglas we have universal Health Care and it’s free. Well, not quite. Our taxes are astronomical. That’s how we pay for it. Buy a coffee, 15 cents goes to the next Doctor’s appointment you have.

And so on!

In any case, no matter the illness, we can head to a health care facility and receive effective care with no bill forwarded to our home address. We have no idea of the cost (except when we pay income tax, sales tax, gas tax, alcohol tax, tobacco tax yada-yada-yada tax) but we are fully covered.

My mother, who you know as Hellfire Helen, visited her Doctor almost biweekly in her later years. She thought he was, “A very handsome young man.” In other words, for you young’uns out there, she thought he was, “Hot!” I really think she went there just to visit and bat those octogenarian eyes in his direction. But, that is a whole other issue in Canadian medicine -Doctor stalking.

A friend of mine visited his parents in Florida about two weeks before we arrived on our annual vacation. Before they left, his entire family suffered from a bout of the flu. This included constant yakking and multiple trips to the porcelain telephone. Yes, my friends, both ends were involved, totally and completely.

Upon arriving in Florida, my bro discovered that, with all this explosive action, he’d popped a Hemorrhoid and the pain, of course, increased exponentially. Now my buddy is a Black Belt Ninja whose pain tolerance is remarkable. But, upon inspection by a nurse, he was told that he’d better get his ass into emergency STAT.

Long Story Short:

He was told he required surgery to take care of the thrombosis. Fortunately, he had travel insurance. The company actually considered having him flown home to Canada to have his anus retooled and refitted.

I wonder why?

Wouldn’t the cost be prohibitive?

I mean a flight home?

Nay, nay, my friend, a compromise solution was negotiated.

Upon consultation with the doctor it was determined that the surgery would take place at the local Florida Hospital and the Insurance Company would, in fact, cover the cost.

Long Story Shorter:

While we were in Florida my buddy’s father received the itemized bill for this rather routine surgery. This was to be submitted to the Insurance Company.

May I have the envelope, please?

TOTAL COST FOR BUTTHOLE RESECTION:  22 000 freaking dollars.

This was for minor out-patient surgery. They did keep him in for an overnight because the surgeon had either a busy schedule or an extended golf game. No matter, that kind of money could buy you a luxury trip on a 90 day World Cruise and then some.

The operation cost $11 000 and the other $11 000 was made up charges for supplies and the like.

There was a $2000 charge for dressings.


I could take $2000 into Walgreens and snatch up every band aide, compress, pressure bandage, elastic wrap and sterile pad they had on their shelves, and then still walk out with at least two cases of beer, a box of prunes and a pack of condoms.

This hemorrhoid must have been the size of a Pumpkin, certainly worthy of an esteemed place in the Hemorrhoid Hall of Fame (Bemidji, Minnesota, I believe.). Surely the hospital could have it bronzed and then given it to my pal as a souvenir of the Sunshine State.

CANADIAN CUSTOMS: “Do you have anything to claim, sir?

MY BUDDY: “Just this large bronzed twenty-two thousand dollar hemorrhoid, sir.” (Holds it up proudly.)

I can’t imagine NOT having health insurance and living in America.  You’d always be one tragedy away from total bankruptcy.  I have heard the horror stories.

But, I should have been aware of this situation. My insurance company sent me a letter advertising a 10% discount on travel insurance stating that a broken arm could cost me $20 000 in the US. Needless to say, I bought the package for all of us.

Because, now I know that “ripping a new butthole” costs even more than a broken arm or a leg.

Can any of you Americans explain this to me?

I’m dumfounded.

Is the Obama plan going to help you? Maybe you need higher taxes?

Hey, I see Obama stated that there was a solution to the NHL LOCKOUT on Letterman the other night.

Never mind!


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