GRUMPY’S GOT THE COLD AND FLU BLUES
The whining you hear might just be because Grumpy has a “man cold”. But, in the interest of his loyal and faithful audience, he will reveal some of his personal medicinal recommendations here. He does this as a public service, hoping of course, that the men who read this won’t have to call their mommies.
Cold Products and Remedies
Having a cold is not funny, especially when the products to alleviate symptoms are so in the category of “wizardry and hocus pocus”. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to figure them out. Inevitably, years of research and experience had me develop my own regimen of techniques for dealing with a cold. As a service to you, my friends, here is GRUMPY’S REGIMEN FOR THE TREATMENT OF A COLD.
At the first sign of a cold –get loaded.
It seems clear to me that an increased alcohol level will kill all of those little microbes that have invaded your nether regions. You’re coating your upper respiratory system with the equivalent of an alcohol swab, right? And, as your blood alcohol level rises you are disinfecting your entire body –from the inside.
Numbing yourself also has the effect of giving you that, “I don’t give a crap mentality.” What a great way to approach the day when that cold has you feeling like death warmed over.
“Piss off and take a bun!”
I’ll be darned, but research has proven that alcohol actually lowers your immunity. No, way! If that is so, why do so many cough medicines and other elixirs contain alcohol?
Take a dose of Airborne ©.
Invented by a teacher, this mixture of herbal/naturopathic remedies can put a cold to bed if you’re lucky enough to take it at the first sniffle or sign of a scratchy throat. I mix mine with ginger ale, giving the concoction an orange juice like feel.
BONUS: You can combine #1 with #2 by just adding a double shot of vodka, Harvey Wall Banger style.
Usually I can get out from under these cold symptoms with just a few applications of this treatment. If the symptoms escalate, then it’s on to Phase II – Grumpy’s Anti-Viral Shock and Awe Treatment.
Roasted Whole Garlic:
Yes, the ancient remedy works wonders if you can stand the odour. Take a whole garlic bulb, break it down into cloves, skin it, slice it and place it in a garlic roaster, then drizzle it with olive oil. I also sprinkle the garlic buds with oregano (another spice said to have antibiotic properties). Bake this for 12-15 minutes at 350 degrees. You can eat the little suckers right out of the container.
MMMM! MMMMM! Good!
That massive dose of allicin can kill a cold before it kills you.
There are some drawbacks, of course. Your house smells like a pizza shop/Olive Garden and after a few treatments you begin to sweat that “garlic odor” out.
No matter, you don’t want your friends and loved ones getting too close to you anyway, because spreading those germs brings further complications. You can always spray yourself with that stuff teenage boys use – Axe Body Spray – to mask your Mediterranean swarthiness.
The drawback is, of course, that if you go to the mall, you might just get swarmed by young girls or Italian grandmothers.
BUCKLEY’S COLD MIXTURE©:
So, you have a hacking cough that brings sputum to your mouth, and keeps everyone in the family up all night.
Not a pretty picture.
Here in Canada we have a product known as Buckley’s Mixture: a foul tasting syrup which can cut your bark down to a whimper. Its taste cannot be described in words, but can be expressed in the facial contortions of those taking it. Watch the trailer to Paranormal Activity (Audience Shots) and you’ll know what I mean. It tastes so bad you could smear it on your dog’s butt to prevent excessive licking.
I’ve thought of mixing the stuff with Bourbon to cut down the bitter taste, but discovered that drinking the bourbon prior to the Buckley dose is a better practice.
The bottom line is that this product is effective. Even their commercials state, “It tastes awful, but it works!”
BTW, this product contains camphor. Isn’t that the stuff they put in horse liniment?
Hot Steamy Baths:
When your body is aching and your nasal passages are clogged there’s nothing like a steamy hot bath. We have a bubble tub, so once you get those jets blasting; the air is filled with wonderfully soothing steam.
The trick is to add a few drops of Tea Tree Oil. That stuff will clear your nasal passages so fast you might have to catch the drippings in a cup.
Tea Tree Oil is used to prevent and alleviate head lice in children. So, for a double-dip, drop your head below the water line, and presto you won’t have to worry about “cooties”. Hey, you can lie back in that warm water, burn a few candles and sip on your Harvey Wall Banger- Airborne concoction. What could be better than that?
How about an A535© and Vicks Vapo Rub© full body message?
A535, Vicks Vapo Rub and Socks:
I read once that if you spread Vick’s Vapo Rub on your feet and wear your socks to bed you’ll stop coughing for the night. Well, my friends, I tried this technique and it seems to work.
However, there is one drawback in that amorous pursuits will have to be put on hold because now you smell like your grandmother. Smearing it on your chest and neck will also decrease your partner’s libido by a factor of 100. I have empirical evidence to prove this.
“Roll over and go back to sleep, Grumpy!”
I also like to slather A535 –a muscle heating product- on my lower back and ribs. The soothing warmth is amazingly therapeutic.
If you chose (e) above, do not baste yourself with A535 nor spread Vicks Vapo Rub on any part of your body. I did that, forgetting that a hot bath opens your pores.
Getting those products in your pores is akin to self-torture. The hot burning heat you feel on your skin is like the sunburn from hell. All you want to do is writhe and contort yourself in a kind of movement routine worthy of, “So You Think You Can Dance?”
Hot Drinks from the Pharmaceutical Department
These are a last resort for me. But a hot toddy, as my Grandmother maintained, is “good for the body and good for the soul”. My Aunt also swore by this method, drinking a shot of rum in a glass of hot water very night at bedtime. My mother had to drive her to the Liquor store to “get her medicine” on a weekly basis.
Nevertheless, these commercial hot drinks come in any number of configurations. Some have also graduated to “heating” syrups. The combo of symptoms they fight reads like a Who’s Who from the Centre for Disease Control. The only thing I like about them is that they put you into a deep sleep. But, with a deep sleep comes the dreaming.
“Whoooooaaaaa! Help me! I’m being attacked by alien head lice that smell like Tea Tree Oil. They’ve infested my bathtub and are attempting to raise my voice two octaves.”
Believe me, you can walk into a Pharmacy with a cold and walk out of there a pauper and still have that cold. These remedies cost an arm and a leg.
So, that’s my current cold regimen. You can take it for what it’s worth. (Probably worth nothing, because I haven’t had a cold yet that didn’t go away until IT wanted to.)
I do have some nostalgic remembrances from my youth that may also become remedies of last resort. I’ll give you the scoop on them the next time we visit.
Until then, dress warm and don’t get a chill or you might just be acting like a petulant five year old, too!
I leave you with this NyQuil commercial so you can catch my drift. Just click the link.
And this one, of course! A British Classic.
An Irish Parody: (Grumpy’s Favorite -There is an ad that runs first -be patient. Or if you have the MANFLU it would be a good time to whine and grumble! LOL)
ALSO AN EARLIER BLOG OUTLINED IN DETAIL GRUMPY’S FEELINGS ABOUT WHAT A COLD DOES TO YOU.
YOU CAN LINK TO THAT BLOG HERE: https://jimbobalouie.wordpress.com/2012/10/29/grumpy-has-the-cold-and-flu-blues/
Enjoy them all!