The Double Bubble Conspiracy
Call me crazy or a conspiracy nut, but I think something is up in the Dubble-Bubble Canada/US relations and so-called free trade arrangement. For us, it has made cross border shopping more like a pre-emptive strike in regards to our favourite confectionary treat.
In 1928, bubble gum was invented by a man named Walter E. Diemer who worked as an accountant for the Fleer Gum Company. In his spare time he tried to invent better gum through his recipe manipulations.
“It was an accident.” “I was doing something else,” Mr. Diemer explained, “and ended up with something with bubbles.”
His new gum was really different from others because it was less sticky than regular chewing gum and it stretched like no other –hence the ability blow bubbles. That gum invented by Diemer is the exact gum we chew now, our beloved Dubble-Bubble!
Maybe it is our chosen gum because of the small comic strip included in the wrapping. The comic strip that came with the gum started in 1930, featuring twin brothers Dub and Bub. They were replaced by a new character named Pud in 1950. More likely though, it has become our chosen gum because of its taste, consistency and bubble making properties. I have the dental bills to prove it.
One Dubble-Bubble twister packs 30 calories and 7 grams of carbs into a single serving. It has no other nutritional value. But, who gives a rat’s behind about that! You see, walking and chewing gum is one of Grumpy’s specialities.
The company describes their signature product this way. “The iconic “chunk-shaped” gum, America’s #1-selling twist-wrap gum is individually wrapped and available in a variety of tasty flavors: Original (the classic, perfectly-pink twist), Pink-Lemonade, Blue-Razz, Apple, Sour Cherry, and Watermelon.” Yuck with that watermelon gum. We’re only into that original perfectly-pink twist variety! We’re 100% purists in that regard!
So, it goes without saying that we consume a whole whack of this product in our household. The Good Wife scours the shelves of many a store to find the right deal to keep our family happy and well supplied. Teenage visitors to our home know the exact location of our Dub Tub and have full access to same, along with the right to grab a handful when required. Gum smacking and gum snapping is the soundtrack that drives us.
Nevertheless, because of our involvement with and attachment to Dubble Bubble, we have discovered a conspiracy of major proportions.
The gum we buy in Canada is far different from the gum we buy in the US.
“How so,” you may ask?
Canadian Dub-Bub has the constancy of cardboard, often bordering on hard candy consistency, thus suggesting that it is stale and hasbeen sitting in some warehouse for hundreds of years.
The first chews put your teeth in jeopardy because a cracked or broken molar is the likely outcome. I call that Dubble-Trouble, don’t you?
As for flavour, a Canadian Dub-Bub’s sweetness leaves after about 8 chews, and so you find yourself constantly popping in a new one, thereby going through a bag/bucket as if you were eating popcorn. As we work our mandibles to the max, our house soon becomes littered with tiny wrappers and comics, giving “Pumba the Farting Dog” the perfect source for his own kind of paper chaw.
Proof of this conspiracy theory raised its ugly head when the Good Wife’s friend brought back a contraband bucket of Dub-Bub from Port Huron, Michigan this past weekend. On first chew you could hear the “oooooooos” and the “aaaahs” echoing throughout our house as if one of us just completed some kind of triple spin move in athletics or ice-dancing.
A case in point revealed itself when The Phenom, who didn’t know that new gum had arrived, grabbed a Twist from the Dub-Tub and exclaimed, “Where did you score this American gum?” You see, there was instant first bite recognition from this expert Dubble Bubbler.
Indeed, that bubble gum bucket took a major hit on that first day. Three Bub addicts had at it with their new stash of sugary sweets. Passerby’s, I’m sure, thought a herd of Guernsey Cows had infested the neighbourhood with all the sound of our masticate munching.The conversation between us sounded like this.
“It’s weely sowf, woo!”
Munch! Munch! Chew! Chew!
What has become obvious, given our empirical research, is that Canada is being shipped the lower quality discounted, shelf-sitting gum of the cardboard kind. Yes, friends, Canada is the dumping ground for the United States rejected and purged Dub-Bub gum inventories.
Shelves at all major department stores in America are regularly scoured for old and dated product which is duly removed then repackaged and sent off to, guess where? – Canada.
“Hey, Bob, where you shipping that old stale gum?”
“Off to Canada, Pete! See, they’re nice people and never complain about anything. Apparently living in the cold all year round gives them hardy and extremely unbreakable teeth. And I heard they take their Dubble-Bubbles with their double-doubles. Is that’s weird or what?”
Smiling like a bird dog, Bob chuckles and says, “Canadians are weird, Pete! They put that poutine mucky muck on their french fries, dude!”
I think there should be a Royal Commission Inquiry into this untenable situation and the Free Trade Treaty with the U.S. should be investigated. That agreement has failed to liberalize trade in some areas, most notably softwood lumber, but in my view, it has opened the door for the dumping of “hard as wood” Bubble Gum from the U.S. They won’t take our soft wood but they dump their useless hard stuff on us. Where is the fairness in that?
Now the Good Wife and I feel like criminals when we sneak a tub of Dub-Bub across the bridge on each and every trip south of the border.
BORDER GUARD: “Are you bringing any food items back into Canada, sir?
GRUMPY: (Sincere and smiling, but shaking on the inside.) “No sir, we have nothing of any nutritional value!”
Hey, that’s no lie, folks!
Friends who travel to the US usually hit up the closest Wal-Mart for us and bring us our fix of that soft and chewy treat. Thank goodness Linda was over in Port Huron this past weekend. That gal went to four stores until she copped our original blend.
When we arrive in Florida on our annual visit in March Grump’s buddies present Grumpy, first with a cold beer and, second with a fresh bag of Dub-Bub. Sometimes he doesn’t know which one to dig into first! But I can tell you, chewing bubble gum whilst drinking a beer isn’t half bad. You should give it go!
I’m also thinking a guy could purloin a truck and bring back a load of contraband chew from the US and make a killing selling it on the street.
“Hey, Bubba, you packin’ any classic, perfectly-pink twist?”
“Deal, man, I haven’t had a good chew in days!”
In the meantime, my family continue to search Canada for something fresh –a gum to truly sink our teeth into –that allusive soft and chewy DUB-BUB twister deluxe. Unfortunately, the variety of twisters Dubble Bubble foists on Canadians continues to be nearly un-chewable.
If you know where to find some fresh stuff, please leave a comment because, at the moment, that bucket from Port Huron is on its last legs and bubble gum withdrawal is not at all pretty, my friends. It’s like the “hee-bee-gee-bees” on steroids I hear!
Munch! Munch! Chew! Chew! Here’s a big “Mooooooooo” for you!