FLORIDAYS #4: CALLING ALL REDNECKS


FLORIDAYS #4:  CALLING ALL REDNECKS

Grumpy’s a Redneck and he’s proud of it.imagesCAQJ18MD

After moving far away from the bright city lights over 20 years ago, he’s become a card carrying advocate for the South Coast of Ontario – here on the North Shore of Lake Erie.

This here’s a tobacco road, rural farming district of pick-up trucks; mullets and back-side worn ball caps. There is more road kill on the roads here than any other place in Ontario. I have a possum that regularly comes up for a drink at my garden pond.

I’m proud to say that  my dear mother-in-law once declared, “Grumpy is a bit of Redneck, isn’t he!” She was mentioning how I’d like a single-wide old-school trailer they’d purchased in Florida and how it was “right up Grumpy’s line!”

Yee haw to that!

In Norfolk County we’ve got places named Teeterville, Turkey Point, Bill’s and Green’s Corners and we regularly travel the Swimmin’ Pool and Fertilizer roads. There are also those folk who live in “Spooky Holler” that we avoid for fear of getting into trouble with the law.

And, the helicopters you see flying over the crops in the summer aren’t spraying for weeds. No, they are on a search and destroy mission to identify the  real “weed” that’s grown as an alternate crop down here.

Fathers purchase quads and dirt bikes for their young’uns before they are knee high to grasshoppers.  And, after the first snowfall in winter, there is about a bazillion miles of snowmobile trails to haul ass upon.  The Mud Run every spring is a big hit with the four-wheelers, not to mention the demolition derby at the Norfolk County Fair.

Yard ornaments down here range from rusted out trucks to plush couches and chairs. Some lawns look as if there is a permanent yard sale going on.

I think you catch my drift. Grumpy lives in Redneck Central.

Imagine my surprise when the good wife hollered, “Dad gum, Grumpy, will ya take look see at that!”

We were rushing down the I-75 between Knoxville and Chattanooga. There on a hilly hummock of land  was a huge billboard that read “REDNECK RESORT”.

“Say what?”

We drove by too quickly to see much, but Grumpy will tell you this, there were dirt roads, aluminum trailers and Jimmy John’s scattered everywhere.

Grumpy was so excited he couldn’t wait to GOOGLE this “Redneck Resort” and find out what was going down near Sweetwater, Tennessee.

Well, I’ll tell you this, he wasn’t at all disappointed.

It seems that some creative souls have developed a camping/recreation area for Redneck Fun and Games. There are mud holes for muddin’ and any number of redneck adventures to be had.

Just read the Frequently Asked Questions on their WEBSITE.

REDNECK RESORT FAQ’s

Q – What kinds of “mudding” will be offered? XXXXXXXX569_site

There are approximately eight (8) acres of pure Mud including Mud Bog and Mud Holes. The Mud Slide (Giant Slip and Slide into the Swimmin’ Hole.) and the Mud Slinging Volley Ball Swimmin’ Hole are  main attractions.

Mud Slinging Volleyball, now there’s a game I’d lik to see.

Q – Can I bring my own Cooler of Beer or other Adult beverages?

Yes. Coolers are permitted. Glass containers will not be permitted. Underage drinking will not be tolerated. See Rules for Admission posted on Brochure and Website.

Drinking and driving is encouraged, my friends? Well, hell yes! Let’s get ‘er done!

Q – Are hook-ups for campers available? XXXX569_REDNECK_POOLS

No. All camping is primitive. Portable comfort stations are provided in camping areas.

Primitive camping is something Grumpy enjoyed in his youth. He recalls those 2-4 weekend excursions to Sauble Beach and Port Elgin. And, he loves how porta-potties can be called “Portable Comfort Stations” – obviously a REDNECK marketing term.

Q – Will I be permitted to sleep in my vehicle?

Yes.

What a bonus. No sense wasting gas hauling that big-ass aluminum trailer to the site.

AND, HERE THE MAIN RULES:

Under-age drinking is prohibited – and will not be tolerated. State law will apply.

Absolutely no illegal drugs, firearms, fireworks, pets, loitering or chainsaws.

No, chainsaws? Well, hell no! That would be real dangerous, Bubba!

XXXXXX569_MUDDY_FUNWe have a place down here called “Gopher Dunes” where many of these “Mudding” and “Trail Riding” activities can be done. But, when Grumpy looks at the REDNECK RESORT, he’d have to say that it is a “Gopher Dunes” that is totally inebriated and on steroids.

The admission for one day is a mere 25 bucks. Man, that is so much cheaper than Disney World and the greatest thing of all is that you get to bring along your own ride.

Yee haw!

You can view some videos showing what goes on at the REDNECK RESORT by clicking these links. You’ve got to watch these videos.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PodH8wlMKfk&feature=player_embeddedXXXXXX569_ROCK_CRAWLING

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08vzQD8BzHM&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fyJ6ol6kg7k&feature=player_embedded

Or, if you want to book a staycation there, you can click the link to the REDNECK RESORT Webpage.

http://www.redneckresorts.com/home.html

This has been a public service message for all my REDNECK friends who live down here smackdab in the middle of nowhere.

One more thing. Here’s how they market their resort in words.

REDNECK RESORT PROMO

XXXXXXX569_dirty_wheelsThe Redneck Resort is not only the Ultimate Off-road Playground, it is like no other off-road park in Tennessee! This is a party from the minute you enter and you won’t wanna leave! Redneck Resort welcomes you and wants you to make us your “home away from home”. With acres and acres of the biggest and baddest truck and  ATV/UTV pits in the state, no matter how big or small, there’s something  for everyone! RR is the best located off road park in the State of Tennessee, offering ATV/UTV Truck and Buggy pits, with acres of riding and mud bogging. Cool off at the “Swimmin Hole” and catch some sun rays or hang out at Club Mud for a midday adult beverage and music. Shaded camping, designated family camping, restrooms, outdoor showers. Party after dark with live entertainment, various vendors including an on-site parts vendor for all of your repair needs and much more. We hope your stay at Redneck Resort will be the best time you ever had at an off-road park. Hope to see you soon!

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