HOW DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LAST TEN YEARS ON EARTH?


HOW DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LAST TEN YEARS ON EARTH?

AAAhospEMERGMaybe it doesn’t bother you that much but, there is one public service commercial on TV that really gets my goat!

In this little spot a split screen is used.

On the one side we see an elderly dude who is active, vibrant and smiling like a bird dog. While on the other side we see the same guy emaciated, gaunt and hooked up to beeping and flashing medical equipment of ominous and imminent portent.

The part that riles me the most is when we see healthy gramps playing with his great-great grand-daughter and jokingly sipping from her drinking box through her straw. One the other side we see terminal gramps lying in his hospital bed sipping his own drink which, of course, is being held buy his concerned wife.

The tag line for all of this is, “How do you want to spend your last ten years?”

Well, when it comes to Grumpy, I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count!

Then again, given all the medical interventions Grumpy has had in the past two or three years he’s beginning to wonder.

Cataract Surgery (Both eyes)

Enlarged Prostrate (Clear)

Blood Pressure and Cholesterol Issues (Under Control)

Irregular Heartbeat (To be investigated)

Meds on top of meds on top of meds! (I need a part time job to pay for this junk!)

Hell, you’d think he was a senior citizen or something. Grumpy’s only saving grace is that when most people learn his chronological age they exclaim, “What? You don’t look like you’re 63!”

Grumpy actually had to pull out his driver’s licence to prove his age to one of the Phenom’s 18 year old buddies.imagesCAFJ621Z

“No way!” the disbelieving kid blustered.

This proves once again that you can’t judge a book by its cover. However, in Grumpy’s case, the text inside his book reads like a medical dictionary.

But, that doesn’t really matter because; maybe it’s like a cat with nine lives, except that in this case we’re talking about an expiry date in years. No one knows if the glass is half full or half empty or how many grains of sand are left in the old hour glass.

As the kids in Grumpy’s classroom would so often proclaim, “No fair!”

So, in an effort to purge him of all angst, Grumpy has instituted a 7 step plan to alleviate all of this worry and doubt. Seven step plans, as you know, are all the rage in New Age bafflegab.

As a public service to his avid and most cherished readers he will present all of them here, free and unencumbered. Put your credit cards back in your wallets.

GRUMPY’S SEVEN STEP PLAN TO A LONG LIFE AND LESS WORRY

1. Watch fewer sporting events on TV. This is where this public service spot is played over and over and over again. Most commercials on sporting events follow this repetitious pattern, ad nauseam. It’s better to watch the cartoon channel or kids programming where commercials for playthings and cereals put purpose in an old guys step. Bring back Hasbro, K-Tel and prizes in cereal boxes.

2. Press the mute button on all advertisements about these super cure-all medications they push on TV. No one wants to hear the disclaimer about, “uncontrolled bowel movements or sudden death”. How can things that are supposed to be good for you be so bad for you at the same time?

AAAALOMOND3. Avoid jumping on bandwagons. In my life time so many natural products have been declared good for “this, that and the other thing”. The current big thing is replaced by the next big thing which begets the best thing ever. In time, you might find that the good thing was actually a bad thing, which is a good thing if you’re eating a lot of that product. You can stop eating it! Right now in our house it is ALMONDS! And, what’s with all this whole grain stuff on the market? I’m beginning to feel like a Canary with all the seeds I consume. It might be time to resume my carniverous habits!

4. Choose Drugs Carefully: Most Doctors treat old guys like they’re the first chemistry set they received for Christmas back when they were eight years old. They have more fun mixing concoctions and prescribing drugs that mix and conflict to the point that the patient becomes a human carrier of pharmaceutical soup. Putting al of the possible side-effects together and you begin to feel as if your ae a ZOMBIE. But, ask any senior and they’ll proudly proclaim, “Drugs are good, man! Drugs keep me goin!” I’m almost to the point of believing that, “Just say no to drugs!” might be a good thing for old people, too. Grumpy therefor is looking to cut back on his drug use, excluding alcohol, of course.BEERpeanuts

5.    Drink more beer. You can refer to this website post (LINK BELOW) to see why. Grumpy is all for the medical benefits of amber lager. You just have to monitor your consumption and you don’t need a Doctor for that because you know when you need to up your dose, right!

Beer and Good Health:

http://seattle.cbslocal.com/2013/02/04/study-main-ingredient-in-beer-can-be-used-to-form-new-medicine/

 6. Join the Geritol Generation: Hey, it worked for my parents. They used that stuff to rid themselves of that “tired blood” feeling. And, tired is what Grumpy feels because several of his meds have the side effect of “fatigue”. For those who don’t remember this supplement click the link below for a refresher.

Geritol: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QbcGigQ5wk

7. Get A Lot More of the Ten Bad Things That Are GOOD FOR YOU!

 Here! Here! I’ll drink to that!

I repeat, Get A Lot More of the Ten Bad Things That Are GOOD FOR YOU!

That’s what I want to hear. Ten things that are BAD that actually are good and healthy for you. This is REALLY GOOD NEWS for Grumpy!

 Here’s the list:

SEX

CHOCOLATEAAAACAQNEGK4

RED WINE

MARIJUANA

MAGGOTS

SUNLIGHT

LSD

COFFEE

ANGER

BEER

Sex, drugs and rock and roll, baby, that’s how Grumpy wants to live his last ten years of life on the good Planet Earth. I’m all for getting more of each and every one of these items, save for the LSD, of course.

As Willie Nelson proclaimed, “Whisky River don’t run dry!” and, “There’s more old drunks than old Doctors, so boys let’s have another beer!”

If you don’t believe Grumpy’s Seventh Step of BAD things that are GOOD you can check out a summary report at: http://www.livescience.com/11343-top-10-bad-good.html

All kidding aside, Grumpy’s tongue-in-cheek ramblings do not give the entire picture here. Really, staying active, having fun and XXXBADputting  little joy in your life is the key to good health as you age. As Jimmy Buffett sings, “It’s the lines on your face that show where the smiles have been!” We all need to put more lines on our face, don’t you think?

In closing, I’m hoping my own public service announcement, as outlined here, is more beneficial and encouraging to you than the split screen one I described earlier.

And, please know, I don’t expect that I’ll publish a book or appear on Dr. Phil promoting my thesis. I enjoy my current role as a grumbling recluse.

Most importantly, this is the first and the last time Grumpy will present his Seven Step Plan to you. However, I might warn you that following these practices might have side effects, but don’t worry, they don’t include “sudden and unexpected bowel movements”.

Here’s hoping that the last ten years of our lives are happy and productive for all of us!

Stay classy, my friends.imagesCAM0GAY6

Cheers,

Grumpy

 

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “HOW DO YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LAST TEN YEARS ON EARTH?

  1. A kindred spirit – we are both featured in the RTO mag, Renaissance!
    Congrats!
    I love your sense of humour. I, too, led computer workshops, in fact gave 3 the weekend my mom died. No one told me she was so close to death. Live and learn. I am now a hospice volunteer.
    P.S. I don’t live in Muskoka anymore, but love cottage country!

    • Thank you. Yes, the magazine features were fun. I’ll check out your BLOG, as well. Just got in from another basketball tournament – always on the run. Jim

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