“It’s a Small World after All!” : Grumpy Discusses His Shortcomings


1AAAAshortAI am going to come clean.

Yes, it’s time to admit to something revealing and give you my personal testimonial. I’m a person who is height challenged. I am short and damn proud of it!

The worst part of this is, of course, magnified because my son the Phenom is a basketball player. Really, I live in a continuous episode of “Land of the Giants”. Undeniably, there are few players on my son’s basketball team who are more than a foot taller than me. When I’m around these kids I feel like a Munchkin on the set of the “Wizard of Oz”. And, those that beget giants (The Player’s Parents) are giants in their own right.

When we are at a basketball tournament I see more belt buckles, rollovers and cleavage than a Hobbit standing on a ladder.

“Watch those elbows you big oaf! There’s a person down here!” I bark.

or,

“Excuse me, mam, but never in my wildest dreams would I have expected to be poked in the eye by THAT!”

I am a little miffed at the bias and prejudice aimed at little people such as myself. Just because you look down on someone doesn’t give you the right to disparage their character.

Take Randy Newman for example. Years ago, when he wrote these lyrics about me and my little buddies, Grumpy was livid.

They got little baby legs

 That stand so low

 You got to pick em up

 Just to say hello

 They got little carsZZZZsmall

 That go beep, beep, beep

 They got little voices

 Goin’ peep, peep, peep

 They got grubby little fingers

 And dirty little minds

 They’re gonna get you every time

 Well, I don’t want no short people

 Don’t want no short people

 Don’t want no short people

 ‘Round here

Short people got no reason

 Short people got no reason

 Short people got no reason

 To live

I beg to differ, my friends. Small people have every reason to live. You see when you’re the little guy you develop a big attitude and a desire to overcompensate for your lack of vertical presence.

As Jim Butcher declared in Small Favor, “Keep it up, wise guy. I’m always going to be taller than you once you’re lying unconscious on the ground.”

I’ve always been a proponent of the adage, “The bigger they are the harder they fall.” That’s why I played high school football and hockey with an edge. That’s why you might remember when Grumpy put you on your ass.

This came apparent to me at a high school reunion flag football game. The dudes I played with in high school were HUGE! I felt like imagesCABNO52HDanny DeVito both in terms of height and rotundness. Yet, back in the day, I acted and I felt as if I was every bit as tall as each and every one of them. Because I ran with the big dogs I truly believed I was one.

Research confirms this skewered perception by little guys. Indeed, the findings explain why diminutive males from Napoleon Bonaparte and Benito Mussolini to Tom Cruise and Dudley Moore have on occasion been accused of overcompensating for a lack of physical stature.

And yes, because of this we wee folk may develop SHORT MAN’S SYNDROME otherwise known as the NAPOLEON COMPLEX.

Stanley Loewen would describe the perceived characteristics this way –“. . .  the stereotype is that the smaller male with short man syndrome would be aggressive, likely to shout and talk loudly and seek attention and eager to prove themselves. Many people compare the typical short man complex to that of a smaller dog – which many note are often noisier and more aggressive than larger more docile dogs.”

http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/15851/1/Short-Man-Syndrome-Explained.html

319332_10150297688258557_1448529255_nThat’s why Pumba the Farting Dog (Cock-a-poo) and Grumpy are in constant conflict. There isn’t a day goes by when the two of them aren’t barking at each other incessantly. That’s what makes Grumpy – well Grumpy as well as EXCEDINGLY LOUD!

But, there are also benefits to being a Lilliputian. As a noted by one New Age Guru, “Just like you have items that come in concentrated forms, short males are concentrated men – you just need a little of him to satisfy you.”

Oh, ya!

Grumpy is just like orange juice, he’s chock full of sunshine and very squeezable. You see, one of the distinct advantages about being short is that people have a tendency to underestimate you so it only takes half the effort to impress.

Just ask any Hobbit and they’ll tell you this, “”Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.” J.R.R. Tolkien

Did you know that “a healthy 160-pound, 5-foot-5 man is going to be a stronger protector than a healthy 160-pound, 5-foot-11 man. It’s been well documented, pound for pound, shorter men have greater endurance, stronger muscles, faster reaction times, faster body movement and are less likely to break bones. Shorter men live longer. Shorter men have lower incidences of cardiovascular disease when comparing taller men with the same health conditions.” WHY SHORT GUYS RULE by Jamie Beckman.

Stanley Loewen adds, “. . . shorter people tend to be able to more easily gain muscle and thus often appear stockier and so more imposing as a result despite what they lack in height,” and “some women prefer shorter men as they are less intimidating or ‘cuter’.”

Now when it comes to “cute” you can find Grumpy’s picture right beside that word in the dictionary. There’s nothing like a cute pit-bull that barks a lot. And, as for imposing you just have to look at that picture of Grumpy chomping on a stogie.

That’s imposing, my friends.

Grumpy says there is ample proof of these lover boy, tough guy characteristics. Just look at some of the actors who are vertically challenged.

Emilio Estevez 5′ 4″ (Charlie Sheens less crazy bro)

Daniel Radcliffe 5′ 5″ (God bless you Harry Potter)

Jet Li 5′ 6″ (Little Guys Kick Ass)

Al Pacino 5′ 7″ (The Freakin’ Godfather)

Tom Cruise 5′ 7″ (Mission Possible with the Ladies)

Elijah Wood 5′ 6″ (Frodo Freakin’ Baggins)

It also says here that pint size guys like Grumpy are FUNNY and FUN to be around. And, I’m not thinking of those “you’re so short jokes” as in:

You’re so short; you can see your feet in your driver’s license photo.

You’re so short, when you tell people “I’m not happy,” they ask, “Then which one of the seven dwarfs are you?”

Or,

You’re so short; you have to look up to look down.

Really, consider this list of hilarious shorties.

Jason Alexander 5′ 5″ (Forget about the Shrinkage)1AAAAshortc

Jack Black 5′ 6″ (Yes, that Jack Black)

Martin Short 5′ 6½” (Taller than Pat Sajak, I might say!)

Ben Stiller 5′ 8″ (Better to dodge a ball, right.)

Zach Galifianakis 5′ 8″ (Hangover anybody?)

Isn’t this proof that “good things come in small packages?” Please notice that I said “in” not “with”. Grumpy is a strong believer in MYTHBUSTING and accurate reporting.

Just look at this graphic and picture Grumpy standing somewhere in the middle. He’d be the cute aggressive one with the loud bark.

1AAAAshortB

Grumpy’s favorite quote about being a little guy states, “God only lets thing grow until they’re perfect. Some of us didn’t take as long as others.”

So, if you need a perfectly cute, funny and loud, attention seeking barking pit bull, over compensating aggressor of a stud muffin who is vertically challenged to hang with, give Grumpy a call. He’ll probably give a half-hearted effort and forget to return your call because that’s all little guys need to do to impress.

Why?

Because, who the heck does he need to impress? You see, he and a guy named Napoleon are pretty tight. Both of them are at peace with their “shortcomings”.

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2 thoughts on ““It’s a Small World after All!” : Grumpy Discusses His Shortcomings

  1. Napoleon wasn’t actually short at all. He was 5’2”. But those were French feet and inches, which were a bit different from English feet and inches. Converted to English measurements he was 5’7”. Which at the time was a bit over average height.

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