Tip a Hat to Grumpy: He’s Got Huge Melon Problems

“Hey Grumpy, “I bet you have to hide from Charlie Brown on Halloween”

Grumpy has a big head. His melon is of championship pumpkin size. Unfortunately, through genetics all of his children have AAAAporky Piginherited coconuts that rest upon their necks like giant boulders, too. At least, when we smile we give the appearance of a giant “Happy Face” in Porky Piggish kind of way.

AAAAhappyfaceuntitledNo one wants to look like a bobble-head, right?

Big heads are problematic, you know. When Grumpy was a toddler he remembers his mother, Hellfire Helen, trying to pull on his T-shirts at the risk of ripping off his ears. Pulling that T-shirt off for her was like calf roping as little Grumpy spun around the room in defiance. Indeed, when he was a baby, Helen taped back Grumpy’s ears in the hopes that they’d snuggle more closely to his skull.

It didn’t work!

“Yo’ head’s so big you have to step into your shirts!” isn’t really that funny to Grumps. Nor is the common tease, “Hey buddy, you don’t have a forehead, you’ve got an eight head!”

Some tests conclude that babies with bigger heads at birth are more likely to have high levels of intelligence later in life. If you’ve read any of the blogs here you know Grumpy has disproved this notion in spades.

Learning to walk for big heads is a problem as well. Tip that head forward a millimetre and you become tipsy; the sheer weight of that noggin creating an imbalance the legs can’t control. And, of course, it’s the old noodle that hits the ground first.


So many times, Grumpy fell into a face-plant that he often put his buck teeth through his lower lip. He has the chin scars to prove this. Big heads and buck teeth go together like toast and jam.

Don’t talk to Grumpy about hats. His ball caps are like bushel baskets. He could carry a picnic lunch in there. Thank goodness the Big Guy provided him with those protruding ears. They act as lugs to rest his humongous hat upon.

And, why is it that big heads lose their hair so readily? Once that hair is gone the old noggin reflects light like a garden globe, often ruining photos or blinding oncoming drivers.  A big bald melon can be hazardous, friends. Looking like a lollypop has distinct disadvantages.

Eyeglasses are forever making your head look even bigger. You see, spectacles seem stretched on bigger faces, and they do not comfortably rest on the ears. It helps a lot if your ears stick way out like Grumpy’s. But, that’s just for comfort not for appearance.

The news isn’t all bad for bigheads! Science has proven that, on average, all North American heads are getting bigger.

“To make this discovery, University of Tennessee anthropologist Richard Jantz had to measure hundreds of skulls of white Americans born between 1825 and 1985. His findings suggest that the typical American head has grown by about a third of an inch (8 mm) over the course of that time – a paltry 160 years. It might not seem like much, but the added space can accommodate a significant amount of new brain.”


This increase in size creates greater brain space and there is proof that people with big heads DO have bigger brains. The good news is that big heads and big brains protect you against dementia.

Chinese medicine, in a Feng Shui sense, characterizes big heads this way.

For men: a full round head which is neither unbalanced nor has indents indicates a long life of wealth, with nobility of name and the respect of the community. Heads that are perfectly rounded are especially desired, as this kind of head is lucky and auspicious. A man with this kind of head is described as honourable and upright.


AAAAAAimagesCABW189QSo, a great big full rounded pumpkin head is desirable in terms of respect and dignity. Have you ever noticed that TV anchormen usually have humongous heads? There is a method to this madness, friends.

The article cited above goes on to say, “The head of both men and women should be strong, robust and have an appearance of great vigour. The head and face is where the YANG energy of the body is concentrated. To be auspicious, one’s head bones need to be strong, slightly prominent and exude an air of authority.”

So, Grumpy has decided that he will take the good with the bad. In a cosmetic sense a big head is an attention getter, but if it means additional smarts, well hell yes, he’ll take the benefit without question.

But, if you see a short, Apple Doll faced, elderly dude with a huge melon at the mall, stay clear of him. It might just be a topsy-turvy tipsy Grumpy who, on a strong gravity day, might be a hazard to you, given your close proximity and his record with the face-plant law of averages.

Here’s a cute little YouTube video to illustrate this blog. Enjoy!



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