How to Avoid Crotchety Old Fart Syndrome


Kids have bad attitude, middle aged men have a crisis, and old men have the grumps.

The most difficult thing to avoid as you become older is becoming a crotchety old fart. You know the drill. That old guy that is not only miserable but also carries around an attitude of, “I’ve paid my dues so everyone else can get the hell out of my way!”

high pntsCROTCHETY: subject to whims, crankiness, ill temper, odd notions, whims, grouchiness and capriciously stubborn or eccentric.

OLD FART: a person who is regarded as being set in his or her ways and lacking a sense of humour.

What a combination that doth make! Put them together and what have you got – well certainly not, “Bibbidy-bobbidy-boo!”

No, what you have is someone who might get profiled on, “America’s Most Wanted.”

CROTCHETY OLD FART: CONSIDERED ALARMED AND DANGEROUS!

The Urban Dictionary has an entirely different take on OLD FART:

What you smell when you smack your hand on your couch, car, or dining room chair, seat cushions.

I was doing spring cleaning and beating the dust off the couch when that old fart hit me right in the face.

Oh, my!

You can actually do an online QUIZ to see if you qualify as a crotchety old fart here: http://www.gotoquiz.com/are_you_an_old_fart

And, Grumpy has discovered there are some perks involved when you become an old fart. For example:

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.  In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3.  No one expects you to run–anywhere.

4.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. imagesCAUYZPG2

5.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6.  Things you buy now won’t wear out.

7.  You can live without sex but not your glasses or Metamucil.

8.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

9.  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

10.  You sing or whistle along with elevator music.

11.  Your eyes won’t get much worse.

12.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

13.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

14.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

15.  Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

When it comes to multi-tasking you are an expert. I once saw a T-shirt that read, “I’m So Old. I Can Cough Fart, Sneeze and Pee All At the Same Time.” And, of course, “Old is when getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fibre today.”

But the real issue for me is the crotchety part; the “becoming difficult and feisty” syndrome.

I realize now that a lot of this has to do with aches, pains and stiffness and a general frustration with the vagaries of aging. For instance, you drop something for the fourth time and “cuss” because now you have to bend over for the fiftieth time that day.  You wish you had retied your shoe when you were down there picking up the results of your dropsy because the laces are flailing out to the sides. And, where did that dust bunny come from, Easter was last freaking week.

I think you catch my drift.

The biggest loss in your Golden years is the loss of “patience”. Everything takes too long, people talk too much, lineups are too slow, the print on boxes is too small, life is too short and those, “Damn kids today can’t make change unless they’ve got a calculator in hand!” Really, it’s all about time mismanagement, and not by you of course; it’s by those morons who serve you.

‘Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.’  Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949.

Grumpy would like to illustrate his lack of patience with a few examples.

GRUMPY’S PATIENCE PET PEEVES

DrivethruDrive through lines that meander – putting the idea of “fast food” in the category of an oxymoron.

People who can’t seem to get their money in hand at the checkout and then pay everything down to the penny, whilst the lineup behind them grumbles and mumbles ad infinitum.

People who can’t make up their minds at the burger joint despite the fact that all of the food is displayed on huge pictures designed for morons and dyslexics.

Myopic drivers with tunnel vision who have no clue there are any other cars on the road in front, beside of behind them. They must be vampires because they never look in their MIRRORS!

Cell phones with touch pads you need a microscope to decipher and the over-the-hill all-thumbs syndrome where you can’t type worth a delusional chimpanzee.

Then there’s the problem of every task you do creates other tasks  -exponentially.  Taking out the trash involves cleaning up the mess after you drop or break something, retracing steps to grab what you missed or forgot, rebagging after you force a tear, getting distracted by other jobs as you move about and generally taking extra time to do something you once thought was a piece of cake.

Indeed, as you age the old adage of, “The hurrier I go the behinder I get!” becomes your mantra. “I’m retired, damn it, I’ve got places to go and people to see!” “What’s taking so damned long?” Heck, your time might be hastily running out so every second counts, right?

As Thomas Fuller (1608 – 16 August 1661) decried, “Abused patience turns to fury.”

Well you %4#@$* well got that right. Mess with Grumpy’s patience and you’re liable to be strafed by “F-Bombs”.

Oh my, there’s that “crotchety syndrome” raising its ugly head again. Maybe there’s a pill for that! But really, crazy as it seems, Grumpy could give up drinking because he can get the same feeling from just standing up quickly.

But, he won’t? And, he doesn’t need MORE pills!

So, what does Grumpy need to avoid CROTCHETY OLD FART SYNDROME?

Grumpy may sound like a broken record on this topic but, when push comes to shove, it is a smile, a good laugh and a young at heart outlook that prevents the GRUMPS.

For this purpose I will leave you with two things to brighten your day.

First of all, the link below will take you to Donald Mill’s BLOGSITE, “THE PROBLEM WITH YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY IS . . .” Take the time to explore his humour blogs because his tirades make Grumpy’s rants sound like a sedated Jiminy Cricket.

(CLICK THE LINK TO CONNECT TO DON)

http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/

And here’s a little joke that really puts all of this in perspective.

Surely I can’t look that old?

http://www.bitoffun.com/jokes_old_farts.htm

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?”

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his D.D.S. diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my High School class some thirty-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however I quickly discarded any such thought, this balding, gray haired man with deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, Hmmm, or could he??

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School.AAATEETH

”Yes, Yes, I did.” He gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “in 1967, why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

AAAAAAAOLLIEAnd then, that miserable, near-sighted, ugly, wrinkled old-fart jerk asked, “What did you teach?”

REMEMBER: Old is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

So, slow down and fill each second with joy and laughter. The minutes, hours and days will take care of themselves.

Or, on the other hand, the less patient of you can take some, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” chill ointment – otherwise know as a few doses of Corona, some Bob Marley CD’s and a good book that makes you laugh.

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