“Grumpyisms”: Grumpy puts the MORON in OXYMORON


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There are many “isms” as we go through life, several of which become more profound as we become retired or when we get farther over the hill and begin to stumble on the path to the land of six feet under. To be sure, a quick GOOGLE search found Grumpy 234 Philosophical “isms”, many of which he had never confronted before.

SOURCE: http://phrontistery.info/isms.html

For instance, have you ever heard of these obscure “isms”?

Predestinarianismbelief that whatever is to happen is already fixed.

That is an interesting belief.

However, since you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future you’d also better believe in mysticism so you can consult a psychic or palm reader and discover, “whatever it is that will be will be”.

Certainly, Publictransitism may provide a faster, safer, less congested and more efficient route to that understanding.

Fallibilism view that all human beings are liable to error.

If you’ve got anything out of reading the BLOGS posted here you know that Grumpy is an adherent to this philosophy and is line to become the “poster-child” for Fallibilism. However, he adamantly denies that he once was a proponent of Pratfallism.

Ignorantismdoctrine that ignorance is a favourable thing.

Grumpy favours this philosophy because he knows that “ignorance is bliss”. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, right? And, as Forrest Gump’s mother proclaimed, “stupid is as stupid does”.

When we have a whole heap of knowledge about what is going on and how things work, that very familiarity produces our ulcers, hypertension and the heebee-geebees. Just don’t let your Ignorantism grow into Dumbassism or someone just might sell you the Brooklyn Bridge or have you voting for Tim Hudak.

But, once Grumpy read their meaning, he became a true believer in two of the “isms” he found – given their particular reference to how Grumpy views the world.

imagesCAEUR5RFGradualismbelief that things proceed by degrees.

It’s like ageing – in the beginning the clock ticks slowly, as the years float by. Closer to the end, the slide to Old Fartdom seems gradual until you pass that mirror or try to bend over to flip the flap on your Velcro shoes. Grumpy is all in when it comes to a gradual journey through life.

Absurdism – a doctrine that says we live in an irrational universe.

The proof is in the pudding, my friends. If you read newspapers or watch news’ shows you catch my drift. I’ll give you one current news item to prove this and it’s called North Korea. But, then again, if you are really into Ignorantism, this wouldn’t bother you a bit, would it.

The problem for Grumpy, of course, is that he’s not quite sure whether we live in a world of Gradual Absurdism or Absurd Gradualism. I’ll let you be the judge.

In terms of this blog, of course, we are more in tune with what the humorous side of “isms” might give us.

Take this Bill Clinton-ism as an example. He once said, “”Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.”

Read more at http://www.ranker.com/list/bill-clinton-isms-bill-clinton-gaffes-and-funny-quotes/notable-quotables#oUs8Z9yKS1t1RRVg.99

Each of us has our own “isms” to pontificate upon. Here are some examples.

GRUMPY-ISM: That’ll make the cheese more binding!

What is THAT anyway? And, have you ever seen a constipated mouse?

Observations from the CLOWN CAR. LANDMARKS

Observations from the CLOWN CAR.
LANDMARKS

GRUMPY’S FATHERS-ISM: Who has more fun than people?Monkeys and Kim Jong-un!

GOOD WIFE-ISM: I left the Honey-do list by the phone, Grumpy!

“Sorry, honey, I misplaced that list when I took out the trash!” (Or was it that I put the list IN the trash; you know, trashed the list, as it were?)

HHHmmmmmm!

After a little more investigation Grumpy found some “isms” he’d like to share with you. These particularly relate to those of us of mature status who get a discount day at Shopper’s Drug Mart and free coffee refills.

SOURCE: http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_over60.htm

The easiest way to find something that’s lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

This happens all the time around Grumpy Villa. The Good Wife is so in tune with Grumpy’s rants.

“Where the $%$# is the %$##% scotch tape?” Grumpy rants.

The next thing you know, after the Good Wife has run her errands, scotch tape shows up in the place it had been misplaced from. That’s usually about the same time Grumpy finds the original lost tape seconded in its hiding-misplaced-place. Let’s just say it wasn’t his sock drawer.

In this case, this really is good adhesivism because in our house you can never have enough scotch tape.

Certainly, this falls within the category of “senior moments” because if Grumpy Villa had a Lost and Found department Grumpy would never be able to find it. He does, however, never forget where the Complaint Department is located.

For a good laugh watch this video song about Senior Moments and “Brain Farts”. Grumpy  could totally relate to this one.

http://geezerguff.com/category/youtube/

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you?

Grumpy is from the school of, “do as I say, not as I do”.

Inevitably, what he does do is the wrong way, especially when he can’t find success. The Good Wife often gently reminds him of this with remarks like, “Why don’t you try it this way, Grumpy?”

So, Grumpy, being a wise old owl, has adapted to and accepted this approach wholeheartedly. He now is of the school of, “yes dear, I will do as you say I should do, and do as you direct me to do.” I guess this is something that directly connects to the marriage vows when he said, “I do!” You see compliance is written in the contract.

This, of course, allows him the luxury of a rebuttal when he complains, “I told you so,” when things still don’t work out. Actually, Grumpy never says this – he just thinks it, which leads us nicely into the “ism” that follows.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

This is the toughest job ever for us cantankerous old dudes. You see, foot in mouth disease can only be cured by huge doses of “bite your tongue” interventions. That’s tough when you start losing teeth on a regular basis.

These tempting moments arise so quickly that our brains want to pounce on them as if they were sweet treats splayed out at Christmas.

Just ask any store clerk, waitress or counter staff person about the verbal barrage they receive from the older generation.

“Do you want fries with that, sir?”

“Fries?  Well hell no! I don’t want to bloat up like you fat-assed teenagers.”

 Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL’.

Enough said, right!

imagesCA84Q0NRBut, if you shop in the U.S. all sizes are downsized such that the MEDIUM you try on is really an Extra-large; which for me means, trying on SMALLS works well. And, I truly believe they have side-show slimming-mirrors in those shops because Grumpy has never seen such a svelte image of himself. He’ll often stand there admiring his 20-something body whilst trying to remember that item he was looking to purchase.

“Ah, scotch tape. Yes, that’s what it was!”

Now if you do pick up an EXTRA LARGE stateside you have the prospect of double-duty from that item. I use my EXTRA LARGE items to build Pup Tents for the grandkids.

 The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

I’ve already written about how waiting in line is torture for us as we get older. When we’re hungry we want to eat –NOW! When we get our new licence sticker we want it – NOW! When we’ve got to pee – well you get my drift.

But this “ism” is totally true when it states “fewer things seem worth waiting in line for”.

The only line Grumpy wants to grow longer is the one leading up to the “Pearly Gates”. He won’t complain if he stands in that line for many more years.

So, there you have it. Grumpy’s dissertation on all things “ism”.

You might come to the conclusion that Grumpy places the same value on “isms” as he does on acronyms, that of unserviceable verbal diarrhea. No doubt, their place in our daily life is meant to confound and confuse. Grumpy just wants “plain talk” with simple words and short sentences.

VETRENARIAN:  “Your dog has a hyperextended colonic twist which creates pain in his abdominal hind quadrant called digestive inflammatory trunkouchyism.

TRANSLATION: You dogs pretty sick, sir!

In Grumpy’s esteemed opinion too many people talk in a gobbledygook blunderbuss form of human-speak. And, friends, you can take Grumpy’s view to the bank because of his total conversion to laxism.

Laxism: a belief that an unlikely opinion may be safely followed.

Now that he’s explained this all to you, and he is convinced that you are now informed, he’s about to exercise his daily pursuit of relaxism.

And, remember what Hans Christian Andersen wrote,

“Enjoy life. There’s plenty of time to be dead.”

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