What do Rob Ford and Grumpy have in Common?. . . . . . . . . A HINT OF DRUGS KEEP THEM TICKING

What do Rob Ford and Grumpy have in Common?

Mayor Rob Ford

Mayor Rob Ford

So, it’s an electrical heart malfunction that appears to be causing Grumpy’s irregular heartbeat. And, not unlike your car, it appears as if he is in line for a cardio tune up. Now, of course, the most non-evasive technique for accomplishing this would be the application and ingestion of massive amounts of DRUGS!

This treatment will be simple, easy and effective and also be covered by the Good Wife’s awesome and comprehensive Medical Plan. Dr. Kennedy assures the Grump’s that these NEW AND IMPROVED chemicals are just what he needs and just what the Doctor ordered.

Indeed, Grumpy has been on this kind of a drug regimen for many years in order to control his blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol and the usual stuff old farts accrue as they get older.

Most of the junk he has been taking has been like the “Minor Leagues”, sort of like Single “A” baseball; suitable for Rookies and with minimal side effects. Every day he pops down a variety Tic-Tac-like medications and goes on with normal activity.

Given that he hasn’t croaked and is still alive and kicking assures him that those ten years of being “medicated” have been a damn good thing. After all, the drugs Grumpy takes are all readily available and totally legal.

Grumpy also takes a  lot of non-prescription supplements. In this case here's one the puts the FART in OLD FART!

Grumpy also takes a lot of non-prescription supplements. In this case here’s one the puts the FART in OLD FART!

Nevertheless, Grumpy soon learned that he has now entered the Major Leagues of chemical intervention. He knows this because the costs of his new drugs are astronomical. He is like Alex Rodriguez except that he doesn’t have the New York Yankees paying the bills. He half believes these meds are manufactured in Nicaragua by a company called CONTRA PHARMACEUTICALS. But, even worse than the cost, is the fact that some the side effects from these new concoctions can be life-threatening.

Yes, the drugs that cure you can at the same time kill you.

Let’s look at Apixiban for an example.

The danger inherent in irregular heartbeats is blood clots that lead to strokes. Hence, a blood thinner (anti-coagulant) is usually used   to “thin” your blood to a watery consistency. Most people I know take “Rat Poison” otherwise now as cumminin. The problem with this drug is that one must be constantly monitored with blood tests to insure you don’t end up like a drowned rat, otherwise known as – DEAD as a doornail.

Dr. Kennedy first put it this way, “By the way, DO YOU HAVE A DRUG PLAN?”

To which Grumpy proudly replied, “Well, of course, Doctor.”

The Doctor smiled. It was big and it was bright.

This reminded Grumpy of the big smile his Dentist always has because, you see, he also has a Dental Plan.

“Ah, then I’d like to try you on this new improved super-duper one-of-a-kind wonder drug they just came out with,” the Doctor continues. “With this one, NO BLOOD TESTS are needed and it’s so much more effective in preventing clots!”



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Grumpy’s Got the Stickies and the Dangles

So what is a Holter Monitor and why did Grumpy have to wear one for 72 hours?

zzzzholterWell, a Holter Monitor is a little electronic gizmo that records the electrical activity of your heart 24/7 and requires you to be wired up for that entire period. You carry that gizmo around in a holster under your clothes which is not unlike carrying a handgun, especially since your clothes bulge in that particular area.

Grumpy duly arrived on time at the Norfolk Nuclear Medicine Clinic to get all wired up. The name of this clinic suggested to him some futuristic medical facility with lights flashing and a lot of bells and whistles. The list of procedures they do there is a hodgepodge of high tech wizardry. Really it looked a lot like Iron Man’s lab!

Grumpy wasn’t even surprised when the nurse/technician said, “Jump up on the examining table after you strip to the waist.”

Grumpy has a lot of young females asking him to do this lately. It’s seems to be par for the course once you are kidnapped by the medical system. It’s about as routine as a strip search at the airport without the bending over part, I guess.

Of course, Grumpy was accustomed to the procedure of the “wiring-up”. The young nurse worked on the task with efficiency and grace, even though she looked like she could have still been in high school. She applied the stickies using a different procedure.

First she swept what felt like sandpaper over Grumpy’s skin then “smack” on went the sticky. Grumpy realized that that sandpaper sweep was removing body hair that later could cause a lot of pain and suffering when the stickies are ripped off.

What will they think of next?

The perky nurse explained how this procedure was going to go down. She pointed to a button the gizmo that said “EVENT”. She continued with, “Press this button if you feel any palpitations, have chest pain or any difficulty breathy.”

Hell, girly, if I feel any of that the first button I’m going to press is the “9” in the 911.

XXXBADAnd, what’s with calling this the event button? We’re not talking about a concert or a sporting event. We’re talking about a heart going on beat ballistics.

Maybe they should rename that button the, “I think I’m having the big one” button – as in the BOB Button for those of you into confounding acronyms.

No matter, Grumpy was wired up (7 wires) and ready to rumble. However, there were concerns, even though the nurse assured the Grumps that, “Yes, Mr. Grumpy, you can do all of your normal activity!”

Think about that for a minute.

No showers for 72 hours.

You must try to sleep with the contraption attached.

Exposing oneself to lightning storms is verboten.

Going out in public might cause some difficulties.


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Grumpy Scrambles Up Pike’s Peak All in the Interest of Science

Grumpy Scrambles Up Pike’s Peak All in the Interest of Science

Grumpy didn’t know what to expect as he prepared himself for his stress test at the hospital. All that he knew was that he was to arrive early and wear loose comfortable clothing. Moving on a treadmill did not scare him one bit because Grumpys life is like a treadmill 24/7: with busy always on-the-go action. He knows he could out perform any Gerbil on a spinning wheel – in spades.

Also, Grumpy walks from 3 to 5 times a day – everyday; topping out at about 1300 walks per year. Walking is what Grumpy does – ever since he stopped running 20 years ago. Crawling, of course, might just be his next stage of exercise. But, for now, he walks.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAimagesCAMT6OYNArriving at the hospital early, Grumpy looked impressive in his “loose comfortable clothing”. He might have been mistaken for a guy on his way to the gym or a marathoner ready to take on a very long run. Grumpy’s grey hair and tanned skin had distinguished-senior-athlete written all over it. His stylish shades just added mojo to his pimped out attire.

Was he pumped?

Well I guess!

Upon arriving at the STRESS LAB Grumpy was told to wait in the foyer until called. Once again, those surrounding him were more senior than he (70’s, 80’s, and 90’s). Indeed, Grumpy was the Junior Senior in this geriatric crowd. Though he had joined their club several years ago, even now, Grumpy didn’t feel a part of their cohort.

Actually, this experience reminded him of his mother, Hellfire Helen. She wouldn’t tag alone with his father when he played piano for a senior’s Choir. She’d adamantly state, “I’m not hanging out with all those old people, Joe. They’re seniors!” She said this when she was in her mid-seventies.

Her son, Grumpy, is totally on board with that sentiment.

A Penny for your Thoughts?

A Penny for your Thoughts?

As he watched the wall clock tick toward his allotted time, Grumpy thought, that in terms of STRESS, this test would rank way down on his worry list. After all, he had taught precocious kids for nearly 30 years, raised three of his own, balanced finances through thick and thin and had endured the antics of Pumba the Farting Dog for the past eight years.

When it came to stress Old Grumps had enough experience to hold a PhD. in “fight-flight” response time. He could produce a massive dose of adrenaline in a nanosecond. Maybe that’s why his ticker was acting up in the first place.


Just before he was about to be called to the lab, a little old octogenarian lumbered upon the scene. He was wearing nice casual clothes but sported some bright white runners. The guy’s red face and beads of sweat told Grumpy that he’d just returned from the lab. He used a cane to walk.

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Roll back the clock eight months and Grumpy thought he was on a roll. At his annual physical in September of 2012 he was told that his blood pressure was perfect, his cholesterol on the money, his fecal examine clear and his PSA normal. Grumpy did a happy dance as he drove the Clown Car over to the beer store to pick up a celebratory six pack. Happy dances are very difficult while driving let me tell you.

Nonetheless, Grumpy bellowed through the open Clown Car window, “Long live the Grumpster!” Maybe people are right when they say Grump’s looks a lot younger than his 62 years. He even felt as if it might be appropriate to honk the horn a few times along the way.

Back in his high school days the boys would call this behavior, “A Grey Cup Parade Run.” Esteemed Canadian diplomat, Ken Lewis, was the usual instigator of such high school shenanigans. You see his family conveniently drove a convertible Dodge Valiant.

Well, as my dear mother would warn, “You should never let the Devil know what you’re thinking!”

AAAhospEMERGYou see 2013 has been a whole different ball game thus far because Grumpy has been abducted by the medical system and he can’t break free. You’ve heard about his cataract surgeries here. They went very well, thank you very much. But, it is the irregular heartbeat that turned up prior to his last surgery that has a whole whack of Doctors frazzled and frenzied as they try to sort it all out.

“Well, Mr. Grumpy we’ll have to check this out. If you were my father I’d want to get to the bottom of this!” Dr. Thorogood remarked. (No relation to rocker George because this guy has a good haircut and a great job.)

Grumpy believes he was directing this remark to the Good Wife, who is 13 years his junior, because he thought she was his daughter.

Oh, my!

At least the Doctor was being thorough, and that is good.

It reminded Grumpy about the time he took the Phenom to a chip wagon after a track meet. He was about 12 years old at the time. (The Phenom, not Grumpy)

Mr. Chips had the gall to remark to the Phenom, “Well isn’t this nice. Grandpa has taken you out of school for the day!”

Oh, my.

Well, so much for looking young for his age.

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A little break from these PHILOSOPHICAL meanderings is in order. Grumpy’s brain is starting to hurt!

Nevertheless, Grumpy does feels that his garden relates well to what he has most recently written.  The gardens at Grumpy Villa are important to the family because these paths provide a place of relaxation, respite and reflection as well as a playground for the little ones who visit. (Including Max the Killer Cat)

Chillin” and Swillin’ in the great gazebo tented room is the name of the game where quiet conversations, naps, reading a book, listening to tunes and downright reflection and meditation are required activities. Bring your “PITY PARTY” there and our Sergeant at Arms, Pumba the Farting Dog, will be nipping at your heels as you make your frenzied escape.

So, I you’ve got four minutes to spare, why not take a trip on GRUMPY’S GARDEN TOUR.

It’s FREE!

Stay mindful,


Just click the link/play arrow to begin:


GARDENGEDDON Bring it on Frosty -we have strength in numbers here!

Bring it on Frosty -we have strength in numbers here!