Condoms or Condominiums? OH, MY!


THIS POST CONTAINS NO PICTURES BECAUSE AFTER YOU READ THIS YOU’LL UNDERSTAND THAT ANY PICTURES PRESENTED HERE WOULD BE TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE!

As you might know the Phenom is off to his place of higher learning (Brock University) and will attempt to begin his career as a CIS varsity basketball player.

This is a win-win for the Phenom, don’t you think?

Grumpy dropped the boy off at res today as it was move-in day: a day when 2800 amped-up hormonal teenagers begin their participation in O-WEEK (Orientation Week) and no doubt, will carry on like roving packs of heathen Neanderthals.

These kids are barely past puberty and out on their own, many for the first time. The shackles of home are long gone. They are ready to explore their freedom. They are ready to enact the immortal words of Forrest Gump by following his dictum, “Stupid is as stupid does!”

Yee Haw to that!

It says here a good time will be had by all.

How does Grumpy know this?

Well, Grumpy remembers his O-WEEK at the University of Waterloo way back in 1969. Hell that was 44 freaking years ago. This was well before birth control, desk top computers, cell phones and, back then, activities that were digital only included scratching your butt and picking your nose.

Grumpy recalls a lot of beer drinking even though he was 19 and the drinking age was 21 at the time. His buddies played poker in the common room in their dorm most nights that week, drank beer and smoked cigarettes. The boys stayed up past midnight for crying out loud. Our group felt as if we were the Kings of the World.

“Yo, its 12:30 dudes! Another half hour and we break our all-time record! We’d better cut back on the beers!”

Our O-WEEK music concert performer was none other than DIONNE WARWICK. She sang songs like “I Say a Little Prayer” and “Do You Know the Way to San Jose?” Her backup band was a freaking 20 piece orchestra. No one in the crowd that night was even remotely stoned. Everybody was munching on popcorn. Most in the audience carried pocket protectors and slide rules.

Did we wear dress shirts and ties you may ask?

Not on your life!

Grumpy remembers wearing construction boots, jeans and a plaid (maybe it was paisley) shirt. He looked like a creepy used car salesman from a vintage movie like Psycho. He really believed that all of the coeds at the LOO where attracted to that look.

“Hey, I really like you’re paisley shirt. Are you a car salesman?”

Grumpy thinks that the boys also attended a few pub nights that week, but even that was almost impossible back then because you’d have to borrow someone else’s ID. No matter, there were no pictures on those documents in those days. But if the name on the card read Abdul, you’d better look like an Abdul!

Of course, memorizing the date of birth on that piece of paper and every other minute detail was prerequisite before you ventured out. The only way a bouncer could trip you up was by questioning “you” – the baby faced so-called bogus 22 year old – about the information printed thereon.

BOUNCER: “Where were you born?”

GRUMPY: “Ghana!”

BOUNCER: “I don’t think so, buddy. Let me show you the door!”

Showing you the door by a bouncer in the 1960’s meant you saw the door as you were propelled past it with your feet a minimum of two feet off the ground.

It did get better in future years, though.

Grumpy recalls a concert he attended by a group called McKenna Mendelsohn Mainline in our second year. One of the songs they sang was called, “I’ve Got a 50 Foot Penis”.

Really?

Grumpy will give you his personal guarantee that that song wasn’t on one of Dionne Warwick’s Albums. (If you are under 40, albums were what we called records back then, those plastic disk thingy’s – oh, never mind)

But, oh my God, have times ever changed.

This Brock O-WEEK has me wondering where we are headed on this fair planet. What is the world coming too? Is the Phenom safe in his new digs?

Here are some of the main advertised events for Brock’s O-WEEK. Students are welcome to attend and those with Gold Cards get all-access.

ONE CONDOMS PRESENTS: Condom Poker & Dirty Bingo

Here’s how this event is described.

Condom Poker is a great tradition here at Brock. On Thursday night, we pack over 1000 students and roughly 30, 000 condoms into the Ian D. Beddis Gymnasium. (Ian D. Beddis on that night turns over in his grave – multiple times) Using these condoms as poker chips, students will have the opportunity to play in a poker tournament.

“I’ll raise you two ULTRA THINS and one MAGNUM!”

We also have blackjack, war and a number of other casino games! The winner wins a FREE TRIP TO Montreal for New Years and other prizes will be given away throughout the evening.

Remember: One bag is 20 condoms and costs $5, or FREE for all students with Access Gold! (Damn, the Phenom has a Gold Access Card and he loves Casino games.)

Don’t play poker? No worries come out and play bingo! Cause my grandma plays and so can you! Hey, just to make things more interesting, let’s play dirty bingo with some sweet prizes!

(Can someone tell me what Dirty Bingo might be?)

CALLER: “Under the bed. . . . BOOTS!”

STUDENT: “OH . . . OH . . . OH . . . Bing . . . GOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

O-Week! Oh-Dating! Oh-Sex!

Here’s what was said on the O-WEEK website.

Confused by all the mixed messages on campus when it comes to dating, drinking, and hooking-up, negotiating sex, and exploring your new found freedom?

Want the inside scoop on how you can avoid the awkward train wrecks of sex and social life? Wish you had better tools for creating who YOU want to be when it comes to dating, mating and relating?

Turn your awkward into awesome & your questions into answers with Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex.com (Grumpy is afraid to click this link.)

The funniest and most useful 60 minutes of sex education you’ll ever get & it’s free for all students!

REALLY?

I guess they have to find a use for every last one of those 30 000 condoms!

Oh, my!

Paint Party

And, what about this:

This is the second ever “paint party” at Brock University!

This means we’ll be gathering enough paint to drench over 1000 students while playing some great music and friendly competitions! There will also be slip and slides, prize giveaways and a “hose down” from our local Fire Station to clean off that biodegradable paint! 

(Maybe those fire fighters should head over to the O-Week! Oh-Dating! Oh-Sex! presentation and hose down the participants with cold water.)

Remember: $5 entry or FREE for Access Gold members. We will be attempting a World Record challenge for the most people doing the “Jump On It” dance at the finale of the Paint Party.

OK, jump on what? And, what WORLD FREAKING RECORD? Fill Grumpy in, please!

So, as you can see I am a just little bit concerned about the Phenom. O-WEEK could present a lot of nasty scenarios for our baby, our last born – our little Joshy.

What if he plays a little Condom Poker and doubles his stake to 40 condoms, then heads over to the Oh, Week, Oh Sex presentation and hooks up with a liberal young lady who might want to negotiate sex and explore her new found freedom, and who then invites him to experience the Paint Party and says let’s “Jump On it!”.

Oh my Lord!

Maybe, just maybe the “O” in O-WEEK stands for  – ORGASM WEEK?

Folks we need to return to the good old days of McKenna Mendelsohn Mainline. I’m thinking that nobody is going to get into much trouble in this day in age with a 50 foot penis.

In closing, Grumpy found some of the rules for THE VILLAGE residence reassuring. The Good Wife laughed out loud when she read the following.

WHAT NOT TO BRING TO RESIDENCE:

Beer or any beer-type beverages (e.g. malt liquor) in any type of glass or bottle.

Kegs, “bubbas”, “JELLO-SHOOTERS”, Texas Mickey’s, other large containers of alcohol (see the RCCP for details) or alcohol related paraphernalia (e.g. funnels)

Firearms, knives, ammunition, items intended to resemble firearms, simulated weapons, fireworks or other explosive devices and any other weapon or item that is created/intended/used to cause harm or could be seen as intimidating.

Pets! 

(Damn, we sure wanted to send along our pet, Pumba the Farting Dog but, even he would fall under an item that is created/intended/used to cause harm or could be seen as intimidating)

Nonetheless, Grumpy does feel a little better about the Phenom’s safety. After all, Grumpy survived 1969, didn’t he. Hey, JJ could of played basketball at Queen’s!

THE QUEEN’S FROSH WEEK POLE CLIMB: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NW9o3vgASSo

And guess what? A video of the TOWER PARTY appeared on Brock TV Today. Those of you who know them will recognize the Phenom, Coin and Danny E. I guess they had a great night. Give it a watch if you feel so inclined. Pardon the language!

BROCK TV:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjheKHvlolQ

What say you to all of this? Are you shocked or are you not surprised?  Why not tell Grumpy about your experiences! Leave Grumpy a comment/story if you can.

Seems like the Phenom is having a blast at Brock U. I guess it isn't all about the basketball.

Seems like the Phenom is having a blast at Brock U. I guess it isn’t all about the basketball.

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