Little Old Man Jailed For Putting Dixie Cup in Wrong Bin
Down here just West of Podunkville nothing in the news surprises the Grump. Indeed, in a place where the kids are given a day off school to go to the fall fair, every Friday the 13th a lakeside community is infested with 30 000 bikers and the demolition derby trumps any TV reality show – surprises are as rare as people driving pickup trucks WITHOUT mullets and ball caps!
The powers that be have been debating a topic of great import and concern over the past several weeks; that of instituting fines for garbage “faux pas”! It seems as if your typical burly garbage engineer is a little miffed with the behavior of his clientele. After all, a career in garbage collecting is an art requiring very acute vision, a high school education and superior upper body strength.
In this regard scavenging was to be outlawed. Taking bottles out of recycling box would cost you $300 if you got pinched by the constabulary. Also, having your dog run loose during pick-up day would cost you another $300, seeing as dogs and chasing garbage trucks go hand in hand. Putting you trash out the evening before pick up would ring up a $200 fine. The biggest fine would be for “pathological waste” – a fine that carried a $500 price tag. Heck, Grumps has seen the inside of his garbage can on a hot summer’s day – if that’s not pathological – what the hell is?
And, the fine that irks him the most is the one for putting the wrong junk in the wrong bin.
Grumpy supposes those garbage guys will be wearing tuxedos and white gloves the next time he sees them. The guy riding shotgun, no doubt, will be an officer from the Garbage Police.
The paid employees that came up with these ideas must have met many times trying to decide on ways to top up the Podunkville coffers.
CITY MANAGER: “Hey, every freaking citizen has garbage. Let’s come up with some fines for that?”
MAYOR: “Ya, that will go along well with our four bag limit!”
CITY MANAGER: “As I said before, this isn’t rocket science, Mister Mayor.”
Friends, four bags are plenty for most households unless, of course, you are disposing body parts and cadavers. In that case expect a $500 fine.
These proposals made Grumpy so angry he was considering appearing before council as a delegation. Not only would he protest the fines, he would announce some of the fines he intended to collect in a reverse citizen arrest kind of way. After all, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Let’s start this way.
If the garbage truck wakes him up from a good sleep by rumbling along like a Sherman Tank (usually arrives before 8 am) that’s a $50 fine. Those air brakes sound like the hiss of a guided missile and they squeal like a cat with his tail caught in a door.
- If the garbage engineer tosses the trash or hurls the recycling into the metal superstructure of the truck, there better not be the rattle, crash and clang one would associate with the demolition of a hydro tower. That would add $20 on to the previous fine for excessive noise.
- If Pumba the Farting Dog becomes agitated and continuously bounces off the bay window – that’s a $75 fine. He can hear that truck coming from about a mile away, you see. He wants to go chase! (If said bay window breaks – trump that fine to $1000 to cover replacement.)
- Excessive Pumba barking (usually about 20 minutes worth) because of Item 3 above will cost the municipality $100. Grumpy’s beauty sleep is important to him given his wrinkled old countenance.
- Spillage of garbage slop on the road within 50 feet of the front door – $75 fine. On garbage days when Grumpy goes out for a stroll he needs a clothes peg to pinch his nose. You DO NOT want that pathological gunk stuck to your shoes.
- A proper recycling item left behind due to dropsy and “failure to bend over” syndrome – $20 per item.
- Damaged recycling bin or garbage container due to gorilla like behavior (stomped on or tossed carelessly). Replacement of the bin/container plus a $50 fine.
- Tree branches knocked down from Grumpy’s huge Manitoba Maple (These garbage behemoths stand taller than a transport truck) – $100 fine.
- Potholes created by the bouncing and thumping tires of a said behemoth – $500 fine plus patching the very next day. Our street is breaking down faster than a NASCAR track in Georgia. You even need protective covering for your head when you go out for a walk.
- Tires flattening the lawn because the driver requires the shortest distance from the truck to the trash. $50 fine.
- Backing up within 100 feet of the household – $75 fine. That “beep-beep- beep” sound is enough to put anyone 50 years plus over the edge. And, take that bleeping beeper and put it where the sun don’t shine, fella!
The most annoying thing about this whole situation is that, even though Grumpy pays the same taxes as those in town, he does not get leaf pick up in the fall while the town folk do. Hence, with each succeeding year “Leaf Mountain” rises higher in the far corner of Grumpy Villa’s lot. Soon he’ll have enough compost to start cash crop farming in his backyard. All he needs to do is throw a handful of worms on that ginormous pile.
If Grumpy chooses to haul this refuse away, he’ll be sure to bill the municipality for fuel, food and overnight accommodation. He plans to become the Mike Duffy of Podunkville politics.
From the Simcoe Reformer: On Tuesday night, however, councillors objected to the ticketing section of the new bylaw, saying they found it too extreme and had fielded numerous complaints from the public about the proposal.
Damn straight! Grumpy was ready to get all over this in spades. He was going to fill a pickup truck with leaves and dump them at town hall.
“The population in general is losing more and more confidence and more and more faith in all levels of government,” noted Port Dover Coun. John Wells, adding the public now views all governments “as trying to get more money out of them.”
Here! Here! Mr. Wells!
And, take that, Mr. Harper!
So, all is good and well in Podunkville and Grumpy can now ease back into his role of just being grumpy. But, he’ll keep his radar up in preparation for the next assault from the Powers that Be! Those morons are always looking for ways screw us over.
In closing, “friends, neighbors and countrymen”, you can be assured that we, the Grumpy old men of Podunkville, have your back and your best interests at heart!