Grumpy is going to the Birds
Every time Grumpy sits before his laptop – right before his eyes – he has the one scene that makes his winter bearable. Suspended from the Gazebo frame, and just outside the patio doors, hang his bird feeders.
It doesn’t matter that his yard is windblown and snow-covered. It doesn’t matter that it’s cold enough to freeze the nuts off the Burlington Skyway Bridge. What does matter is the scene that unfolds where numerous bird species vie for supremacy and ultimately a flitting but satisfying feed of seed. Believe me, there is more action out on Grumpy’s deck than there is at a single’s bar on a Saturday night and ten times the commotion.
All the while, Grumpy constantly makes runs to Crappy Tire to purchase huge bags of bird seed and that stuff they call suet which is so precisely molded into cakes. His personal favorite is the seedy suet that attracts woodpeckers and flickers. Keeping those little beggars from rat-a-tatting their bills into his metal chimney is a bonus that keeps Grumpy from pulling his hair out.
Just this morning, while eating his breakfast, Grumps watched the Blue Jays fighting their daily battle, while the Juncos and Wrens slipped in to steal away with the much sought after food. The doves waddled about the ground picking over the leftovers jettisoned from the crowded feeders. Cardinals stood waiting on the periphery, waiting for their chance to grab a wholesome snack. Grumpy laughed out loud in response to their collective antics. He was one with the world.
And then, a peculiar notion hit him like a big Mack Truck.
He had one of those eureka moments.
He glanced down at his whole-grained multi-grain bagel, then peered at his bowl of granola mixed yogurt with nuts and exclaimed, “All I do is eat seeds and grain and granola these days. My, God, I’m turning into a bird!” Then glancing down at his midriff he added, “No, I’m turning into BIG BIRD!”
A quick Google search revealed that there is a word to describe his new eating preferences. Grumpy is now granivorous!
That’s right – GRANIVOROUS!
The good news is that he isn’t within the realm of any of these other types of eaters.
merdivorous – dung-eating
phthirophagous – lice-eating
rhypophagy – eating filth
pagophagia – eating trays of ice to help offset iron deficiency
That last one sounds more like Mrs. Grumpy who takes the ice from her drinking glass and crunches the cubes into consumable bits not unlike those woodpeckers who rat-a-tat on Grumpy’s chimney.
Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!
Now, if Grumpy could mold ice into suit cakes he’d surely solve another one of his problems –noisy ice crunching.
When Grumpy put his mind to it, he realized he was not suffering from allotriophagy (craving for strange foods). No, this penchant for seeds and grains was a behavior mode logically instituted by him. This was his pathway to health, happiness and lower cholesterol. This is his new diet – Dr. Oz, thank you very much.
As the Whole Grains Council states:
“Studies show that eating whole grains instead of refined grains lowers the risk of many chronic diseases. While benefits are most pronounced for those consuming at least 3 servings daily, some studies show reduced risks from as little as one serving daily. The message: every whole grain in your diet helps!”
Only three servings, they say?
Grumpy must be having at least 10 (TEN) servings a day given the grain stock held within Grumpy Villas cupboards. He forages in those cupboards with granivorous glee! They are jammed packed with whole grains like bulging Grain Elevators in Saskatchewan.
A quick inventory revealed these items, many of which the Grumps consumes daily.
Special K Granola (LOW FAT)
Cheerios (Hearty Oat) Full of oat fibre.
Lifestyle Blueberry Brown Sugar Cookies (WITH FLAX)
Multi Grain Melba Toast
All Bran Bars
Tostito Multi Grain Scoops
Country Harvest Ancient Grains (100% whole Grain Bread)
And friends, there were so many more examples.
Grumpy remembers when his mother, Hellfire Helen, resorted to only two such products – to “keep things moving” as it were. Grumpy can tell you this; his house on Dumfries Street was well stocked with Bran Flakes and Metamucil.
But, in our house, there is a whole grain seed/nut type product that tops all of the others mentioned above. Not only are the Grumpy’s addicted to Double-Bubble Bubble Gum, we are also addicted to ALMONDS. You see as birds, we are more like Macaws than we are like Finches. You can take that Niger seed and put it where the sun don’t shine, fella!
Our nuts are BIG – well at least our preference for them is.
Our penchant for almonds makes Rob Ford’s crack habit seem juvenile. The Grumpy’s have actually had conversations like this.
Mrs. GRUMPY: “Isn’t there another bag of almonds in the cupboard?”
GRUMPY: “Ya, I think so – right beside the whole grain crackers.”
Mrs. GRUMPY: (Shaking her head) “Nope, they’re not there!”Grumpy bolts from his chair to start tearing apart that cupboard – item by item. He finds no ALMONDS.
GRUMPY: “My God, what are we going to do? I’ve gotta have my almonds.” He is wringing his hands and sweating profusely. He is despondant.
Mrs. Grumpy, somewhat shaken, glances at the microwave and says, “Oh, my! It’s eleven o’clock at night. Nothing will be open.”
She slinks to a chair. The forlorn look on her face would move anyone to tears,
Grumpy is now rifling through his pockets, hoping that a few almonds from his afternoon snack remain secreted there. Perhaps some have dropped to the floor.
He finds not one.
GRUMPY: “What on earth are we going to do?”
Suddenly, as if struck by lightning, Mrs. Grumpy bolts out of the kitchen to grab the Lakeshore Shopper newspaper. Her eyes are glazed and her pupils are somewhat dilated.
Mrs. Grumpy: “Shoppers! Yes, Shoppers! I knew it would be Shoppers.”
GRUMPY: “Say what?”
Mrs. Grumpy: “Shoppers Drug Mart is open until MIDNIGHT! They have ALMONDS! The lightly salted ones we like!”
GRUMPY: “I’ll grab my keys but you drive. I’ve got the shakes!”
And, off we race, out to get our next fix of ALMONDS!
Indeed, if you stacked all of the almonds consumed in this house in one year you could fill one of those Dolly Parton salt barns we have here in Canada. You know, the ones built for winter road maintenance.
Undeniably, Grumpy realized today that he surely is going to the birds. He is an addicted GRANIVOR of the First Kind because his life has become totally seedy. Grumpy is absolutely and completely heavy into CRACK-ed wheat and SEED.
Now, if only he could grow wings and fly south for the winter.
Here are the rules for a STRESS diet that Grump’s could surely lash onto. The diet can be found on the net at:
GRUMPY LIKES THESE RULES
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the diet soda cancels out the calories in the candy bar.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. (Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. (Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.)
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
Remember, “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts.”