It’s the END of the World as WE Know IT!!!
How does Grumpy know this? Well, he has broken ranks with his promise “not to read or watch the news” and learned about these crazy things.
The Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, doesn’t remember smoking crack because he was too drunk at the time. That’s like your Doctor saying, “I’m not sure about your blood test because I was hammered when I read it. I think it was alright though! Hiccup!”
A local resident discovered that someone had used their hot tub sometime in the middle of the night. The police report they are looking for a big guy. How do they know this? Well, the dude left his huge tank top behind. They do not report whether said dude left anything else behind in the tub. EEEEEEEEWWWWW!
If you haven’t seen the old movie, “The Swimmer” with Burt Lancaster, you won’t understand how evasive this might be. It would be like someone breaking into your home and trying on your underwear.
A woman in London, Ontario had her murder charge reduced. Seems as if she lied when she said she tripped on the stairs and dropped her child. The child fractured their skull and died.
No, she later admitted that what she really was doing was playfully spinning the child over her head “airplane-style” and accidently released the child who flew into a wall and fractured their skull. The charges were reduced, believe it or not?
This is not unlike Clinton’s plea that he “did not have sex with that woman!” And it makes Jimmy Buffett’s song, “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it” rather mundane, doesn’t it? Idiots are running our courts I’m afraid.
A player quits the Miami Dolphins because he is being “bullied” by his teammates when the whole premise of football is to “bully” the opposition, dominate your competitor physically and verbally, a wreak havoc through violence and confrontation. Just look at what goes on along the line in any level of football – that’s “bullies” vs. “bullies” 101, friends.
This would be like a Pastor quitting on his church because, “All they ever want to talk about is religion!”
A huge swarm of Africanized killer bees flew out the attic of a Florida home and stung a pit bull to death. Doesn’t this put the concept of a “food chain” in disrepute? Signs reading “Ban Bees” have popped up all over Florida.
The newest version of a California worker safety bill would require adult film actors to wear protective goggles. Holy, those battery operated toys must be industrial strength these days.
Russia Considers Certification for Witch Doctors. Risking a hex, an opposition lawmaker in Russia has drafted a bill to regulate the country’s lucrative occult medicine industry. The bill, posted on the State Duma’s website, defines “occult medical services” as healing provided by people without medical skills and reliant on the “supernatural abilities of the body.” Look out, the zombies ARE coming, comrade!
Internet cafes in China are hiring bikini-clad girls to sit with ‘geek’ male customers – to remind them not to forget the real world. In a switcheroo, Chinese strip clubs are hiring ‘geeks’ to remind customers why they’re there in the first place!
A French hand sanitizer company sent three women onto the streets to grab men by the testicles – to raise awareness of prostate cancer. What are they – nuts!
A Deodorant that smells like bacon, say what? A deodorant that “provides 24 hours of bacon scent” has been launched by Seattle-based makers J&D’s Foods. What’s next? A deodorant that smells like a “banquet-burger”? I wonder if they serve fries with that.
Grumpy rests his case.
It is the end of the world as we know it, my friends. The monkeys are now firmly in charge of the zoo.