Grumpy’s 12 Crazy Days of Christmas


It’s the Christmas Season folks(The Festive Season for those who need Grumpy to be politically correct).

Had a conversation with my son, Alberta Matt. Through text exchanges we both came upon the notion that we’ve been too negative these 12 Days of Christmas. The Good Wife points this out to the Grumps regularly. Grumpy told Matt that it’s in our genetics or possibly from what we picked up from Hellfire Helen, my spitfire mother.

Alberta Matt said he’s feeling this way from all the recent bad luck that his come his way. Grumpy gets this feeling from the escalating cost of Christmas. The foraging/gathering gene in our female partners mutates in November/December like an H1N1 virus on crack. This creates a frenzy of spending that make piranha appear docile and sublime by comparison.

The MASS in Christmas has become the “mass hysteria” of BLACK FRIDAY and the CHRIS is all about the overspending of CHRIS KRINGLE. Only the “S” remains, and Grumpy will tell you it doesn’t stand for SOLVENT. No, it stands for STANDARDS AND POORS and you know what side of that financial institution you are likely to find yourself on.

POORS!

Or at the very least – somewhat POORER!

You see, at this time of year, Grumpy and Barack Obama often compare notes on their fiscal bottom line. And, if you really want to know, Grumpy’s line surely is about to hit rock bottom. The old bank account quickly changes from hues of black to bright red and Canadian Tire Money and Tim Horton’ Gift Cards take on a new value. Rolling those coins thrown in the Double Bubble Bucket become Priority One.

If money only grew on trees!

All of these positive vibes (tongue in cheek) give Grumpy pause to write about his new positive outlook on the FESTIVE season. He has his health and his mind is clear even though he’s looking for trailer homes and double wide’s when it comes time to pay the bills.

You can hear him singing, “Deck the halls with invoices, receipts and bills -Fal a la la la – la la-la- LA – Ba Humbug!”

It goes without saying that Grumpy expects his usual lump of coal!

He’ll follow this up with three videos he thought you might enjoy.

GRUMPY’S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (Parody)

On the first day of Christmas Ontario Hydro gave to me
A huge Hydro bill with a gosh darn transportation fee

On the second day of Christmas VISA gave to me
Two heart palpitations
And a huge Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the third day of Christmas Pumba gave to me
Three smelly farts,
Two heart palpitations and a honking Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the fourth day of Christmas the Phenom said to me
I need forty bucks, pops;
Three smelly farts , two heart palpitations and a ginormous Hydro bill with a WTF transportation fee

On the fifth day of Christmas the Good Wife gave to me
F–i–v–e honey-do list things!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a GD Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the sixth day of Christmas the Maple Leafs gave to me
Six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a big Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the seventh day of Christmas the weatherman gave to me
Seven inches shovelling,
Six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a fat Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the eighth day of Christmas my stomach gave to me
Eight aching hours,
Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a Hydro bill with a freaking transportation fee

On the ninth day of Christmas Clark Griswold gave to me
Nine broken bulbs,
Eight aching hours, Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a lengthy Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the tenth day of Christmas the family feast gave to me,
Ten Rob Ford’s eating,
Nine broken bulbs, eight aching hours, Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a another Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the eleventh day of Christmas my conscience said to me
“Eleven Cookies Crumbling”
Ten Rob Ford’s eating, nine broken bulbs, eight aching hours, Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a Hydro bill with a threat to cut off the feed

On the twelfth day of Christmas I needed this for me
Twelve ice cold BEERS!
“Eleven Cookies Crumbling”, Ten Rob Ford’s eating, nine broken bulbs, eight aching hours, Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a

A place to plant my  much needed MONEY TREE!

GRUMPY’S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

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