Getting Bilked in Niagara: This and That and all the other Niagara Rap
Prepare yourself because Grumpy is about to rant. This is his rap about some of the negatives experienced in Niagara.
You’d think that in the dead of winter there would be discounts galore in this tourist attraction city. Grumpy knows that most of the visitors in winter are there for the two casinos but really, going to Vegas for the weekend might just have been cheaper.
Here are the top ten things that bothered Grumpy the most whilst celebrating the Good Wife’s 50th Birthday in Niagara Falls, Canada.
TEN: Where are the tax dollars spent in Niagara?
In a city that has a huge tax base garnered from the mini-Vegas construction beside the falls and the Casino, you’d think someone could be paid to keep the sidewalks free of snow and ice. With Grumpy doing the “tippy-toe-waddle-waddle” he was taking his life in his own hands each and every time he ventured out.
NINE: Losing money before you gamble is just not right!
How can it cost $25 to park in the garage adjacent to the old casino? That puts you $25 in the hole before you even shake hands with the one armed bandit. And, why is the price a mere $10 to park in the underground lot at the Fallsview? (SUGGESTION: Get one of those plastic card thingy’s you plug into the slots at the casino. You can plug that same do-dad into the gate at the lot and get free parking.)
EIGHT: You can’t sell me the Brooklyn Bridge?
When you check in to your hotel (Marriot Courtside) you are told there is an $11.00 per day charge for parking on the hotel lot. TWO NIGHTS – $22.00.
Say what? Where else WOULD WE PARK?
Looks like the discount we got on the room was quickly negated by this fee. And, the stub that you display in the window says the hotel is not responsible for LOSS or DAMAGE.
For $22.00 I’d half expect armed guards, wouldn’t you?
SEVEN: Some bottomless cups of coffee cost an arm and a leg!
Some businesses value their customers while others don’t.
The Good Wife and Grumpy, while waiting for Willy Boy and Kimmer to arrive, popped into THE KEG for some take-out cups of coffee. (The Keg is a rather pricey eatery.) The hostess handed us the coffee along with a paper cup filled with milk, cream, and sugar and said, “These are complimentary! Have a nice day!”
Then, while Willy Boy and Grumpy were finishing up their finger-food platter at the London Arms, the waitress said, “I’m not going to charge you for the coffees, guys!”
Meanwhile upon receiving our check from Denny’s we discovered our coffee cost $3.40 per cup. Hell, Grumpy can get two Timmies for that price!
SIX: Mall stores are conspiracy laden cults!
I’m thinking that women’s stores have a new ploy. You buy an item but they slightly damage it as they slip it in the bag. This happened to the Good Wife.
Thank the Lord for PENNY slots!
“We’ll have to go back to the mall and exchange this before we go home,” she cooed.
That we did but, during this simple exchange, THREE MORE ITEMS were purchased.
So, do you catch my drift?
The CULT OF SHOPPING rears its ugly head in many forms. Its power is all encompassing and, in the end, exceedingly costly.
FIVE: Wasting Away in Margaritaville.
The Grumpy’s and the Waggle’s are Parrot Heads of the first kind. We love Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville Restaurant in Niagara Falls: Home of the Cheeseburger in Paradise! We had a great meal there before heading to the casino.
Grumpy is just a little upset with the prices in the gift shop, though. Why would a true Parrot Head buy anything there when you can buy the same items 40% to 50% discounted online from Jimmy’s Website? I’ve been in this store many times and NEVER have observed anyone buying anything!
FOUR: Children Should Be Physically RESTRAINED in Elevators!
By now you all are aware of Grumpy’s phobia concerning elevators, especially after being stuck in one in Indiana a few years back. The Grumpy’s room was on the TENTH floor at the Marriot, meaning the old guy was required to make many trips up and down.
On more than one occasion, as Grumpy cowered in the corner, some little kid took it upon themself to play with the elevator buttons, causing extra stops, jolts, ding-dongs and certain consternation. Fortunately, Grumpy was able to restrain the primal scream burgeoning in his throat and he never once shouted, “We’re all going to die!” or “Madame, put your kid in a full restraint, or I will!”
THREE: No peeing in the Freaking Ferkin.
The gang decided to have a pre-show drink prior to entering the Fallsview Theatre to watch the “Jersey Night’s” show. There’s a nice English pub there called the Niagara Ferkin. Willy Boy treated us all, given that he and Kimmer and scored some wins at the casino.
As per usual, natured called and Grumpy ventured deep into the pub looking for the loo. He decided to ask the waiter about the location and was told, “We don’t have washrooms in the Ferkin. You have to go out and walk past the escalators, way past the courtesy desk and it will be on your right.”
This was like telling a four-year old child – sitting in your vehicle – that the next rest stop is 100 miles away. Grumpy’s kidneys were floating.
But, you know the drill.
Because of his affliction he had to “tippy-toe-waddle-waddle” all the way. The moaning, groaning and cursing under his breath nearly caused security to go on Red Alert.
Isn’t it a given that “pubs” and “peeing” go hand in hand. Well, apparently not at the Freaking Ferkin.
TWO: Window Blinds are for Privacy, are they not?
During one of our R. and R. breaks, Grumpy ventured over to his window to take a peek at the view from the tenth floor. He parted the curtains slightly in order to not compromise his and the Good Wife’s privacy.
Something caught his eye and his head swiveled in the direction of another high rise hotel.
OMG! Grumpy’s eyes bulged and grew to the size of dinner plates.
There in an eighth floor window stood a huge fat guy, completely naked and exposing his package to the Greater Niagara Region. With a smile he turned and “mooned” the world as if to say, “Niagara you can kiss my butt!”
I guess he dropped a load at the casino!
ONE: If it weren’t for bad luck we’d have no luck at all!
This might refer to Grumpy and the Good Wife’s luck at the casino, but it does not.
What this really refers to is the high costs of Niagara that Grumpy so duly described in the introduction. Here is the primetime #1 example of this idiocy.
(As my father, Old Joe, would ask, “What did you get? The Idiot’s Delight?”)
GOOD EXAMPLE: We ate our first meal at Tony Roma’s, an excellent and classy steak, rib and seafood establishment. Total
DENNY’S IDIOT’S DELIGHT BREAKFAST
. . .
PRIME RIB BACON
HASH BROWNS COOKED IN HASH OIL
PENGUIN EGGS IMPORTED FROM THE ANTARCTIC
QUEEN ELIZABETH’S COFFE BLEND FROM BUCKINGHAM PALACE
BISCUITS FLOWN IN FRESH FROM ALABAMA
cost for four, with a couple of beers was $80. We felt this was good value for the excellent meal we had.
BAD EXAMPLE: We had FREAKING BREAKFAST at Denny’s the next morning. The cost of breakfast for four people was $84.00, including those $3.40 coffees.And friends; Denny’s is the place seniors go to in the US for value not for shake downs and muggings. Again, we’re talking breakfast here. Grumpy got the SENIOR’S special for crying out loud!THE REAL DEAL MEAL: On the way home we stopped at Tim Horton’s for breakfast – total cost for two – $8.35
(2 coffees, a muffin, 1 hash brown and a turkey sausage breakfast sandwich)
Was it the glitter and glamour of our Vegas-like weekend? Was it the lure of the US Denny’s that sent us into a state of numb-nut-notions? Was it the happy glow of our wives after shopping?
To this day, Grumpy will never be able to explain why we all ordered four plates of the “Idiot’s Delight” breakfast that day.
But, I guess getting bilked in Niagara becomes part and parcel with a visit to any CASINO town. After all, you know what they say about “dumb luck”! Grumpy surely puts the dumb in that little phrase, wouldn’t you agree?