The Grumpy’s and Waggles Niagara Weekend Adventure
You may recall that Grump’s and Willy Boy put together a weekend in Niagara Falls for their lovely wives in recognition of their 50th birthdays. The Grumpy’s and the Waggles have travelled together many times and have had many adventures. Usually Grumpy gets himself into trouble in some way. You only need to read some of the many posts here.
So, in the interest of keeping this blog up and running here are some highlights/lowlights of The Grumpy’s and Waggles Niagara Weekend Adventure.
PART ONE: Grumpy Puts His Feet in it!
This weekend, of course, was to be all about the girls.
Willy Boy and the Grumps decided that getting up early and heading to the Marriot Hotel’s gym would be prudent. After all, massive amounts of beer and food were to be consumed. And, letting the girls sleep longer in a room free of farting, belching and belligerence would score points for the two intrepid husbands.
This would be a win-win situation for all concerned, especially the guys.
The boys met at the elevator on the tenth floor at 7 am– dressed to the nines in their workout gear. Any resemblance to Richard Simmons was purely coincidental.
Grumpy had brought along some running shoes his mother-in-law passed on to him, which in turn were passed on to her from Grumpy’s brother-in-law. They were sort of a hand-me-down hand-me-down. The shoes looked pretty cool to Grumps but felt a tad tight on his feet.
The plan was simple. The husbands would climb upon treadmills and do a thirty minute session; chatting, watching the big screen, whilst belching and farting profusely. This was guy time.
Grumpy noticed from the get-go that these cool hand-me-down shoes were rubbing him the wrong way. His big toe was starting to develop a burning sensation. As any good athlete/coach would recognize, this is the first warning sign for the dreaded BLISTER.
No matter, it was only ten minutes in so Grumpy would just kick those suckers off and do the final twenty in his stocking feet. Fortunately, that thing-a-ma-jig attachment you wear stopped the machine cold when Grumpy stumbled and nearly was projected backwards into the wall.
Willy Boy frowned, but knowing his buddy well, didn’t say anything.
Grumpy, fully recovered, continued to act like a hamster and attacked that treadmill in his stocking feet. He had done this before at home on his own treadmill without incident.
Well, as you well know, where Grumpy goes incidents surely follow.
You see the friction from the shoes had set up the conditions for further irritation and advancement. At minute 25 Grumpy had his, “Oh shit!” moment. Grumpy had developed a severe case of “disambiguation”.
Two huge blisters had formed UNDER each callus on both of his heels. The last time Grumpy had developed such an ailment was almost 50 years ago when he played High School football: so much for confirmation of the deterioration of his long term memory.
Grumpy definitely is experiencing some incidents of “Old-timers Disease” these days.
Recognizing his condition, Grumpy knew that if he could cool down his skin the blisters might not develop fully and completely. Spying the swimming pool through the glass wall, Grumpy scurried out the door, hoping to submerge his feet in cooling water.
Having been in many of these situations with the Grumps before, Willy Boy tarried on, knowing well that, “You can’t fix stupid!”
Grumpy found his second problem in the outer corridor. He didn’t bring his key pass (It remained on the treadmill) and that card, of course, was required to get into the pool.
Turning around, he soon realized he needed his key pass to get back into the workout room. Abruptly, Grumpy found himself between a “rock and wet place” with his heels now burning as if he had walked across a bed of hot coals.
Grumpy pounded on the glass calling, “Willy Boy, Willy Boy!” He felt as if he was Dustin Hoffman in that wedding scene from the graduate.
Again he called, “Willy Boy, Willy Boy!” pounding even harder now.
Willy Boy tarried on oblivious to his buddy’s dilemma. You see, Willy Boy is ten years Grumpy’s junior. He’s on incline 7 at speed 5 and going hard at it.
Fortunately, another dude, who was pumping iron and admiring his pecks in the mirror, ran to Grumpy’s aid. Snatching his key card the Grumps ambled off the pool, now trying to limp on both feet: a task that may be attempted but never mastered.
With this gait Grumpy must have appeared as if he had developed uncontrolled projectile diarrhea as he stumbled forward. He was sort of acting out “The Duck Song” – “waddle waddle, waddle waddle!” as he waddled away. (One of the grandson’s favorites)
DUCK SONG LINK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q
A young couple who were cavorting in the pool were startled and put aback. They scrambled for safety because they probably were thinking about that recent Imodium commercial. You know the one: “Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?”
No matter, Grumpy was focused on the task at hand. He tore of his socks and gingerly placed his feet on the first step of the pool. He expected soothing cool relief.
What he got was water as warm as a bath water.
His only recourse would be to waddle to the pool’s washroom and run cold tap water over those fiery heals. This waddling, of course, confirmed the young couples suspicions. They immediately left the pool, choosing to cavort in a more private setting.
Now, a sixty-three year old standing with his back to the sink while attempting to raise his feet into the bowl (waist-high) is quite a sight to see. Picture your Grandfather, Rob Ford or Old Uncle Bob attempting this maneuver.
Grumpy quickly abandoned this body bending technique knowing well he was moments away from a face plant on the tile floor. He could see this as plain as the nose on his face.
The Niagara Falls Review headline would Read: Richard Simmons Look-a-Like found in Pool of Blood at Marriot Hotel: Claims Treadmill Tragedy Led to a Lack of Judgement!
Nonetheless, this was only the beginning of Grumpy’s heel pain adventure. The boys had planned a full day for the girls at the mall, the casino and at the Fallsview’ theatre. Imagine walking all day with two or three thumbtacks sticking into your heels.
I know you feel Grumpy’s pain.
Grumpy will tell you the rest of the story next time around. In the meantime remember Burton Cumming’s immortal words,
“Don’t give me no hand-me-down shoes.”
It says here that man was a genius.
GUESS WHO: Hand Me Down World