Tip Toe through the Tulips with Grumpy: Niagara Falls Part Two
When we last spoke we left you with Grumpy dealing with thumbtacks in his heels; not literally but figuratively, of course. This caused his limping on two feet disorder, otherwise known as the “waddle-waddle”. Each of Grumpy’s steps forward was not unlike walking upon a bed of nails. Indeed, he was experiencing “disambiguation” of the third degree!
So, after some experimentation, Grumpy added a “tippy-toe” strut to his gait, thus creating the “tippy-toe-waddle-waddle”. He is confident this action will NOT find its way to a dance club near you to replace TWERKING. When you “tippy-toe-waddle-waddle” you will remind the casual observer of Tiny Tim and his “Tip Toe through the Tulips” routine.
Now the addition of this step made movement that much more difficult for the Grumps. Take, for example, putting on his pants.
The Good Wife placed her hands over her face in horror as Grumpy toppled over like a felled tree as he tried to “tippy-toe” through his trousers. Fortunately, Grumpy toppled in such a way that his upper body crashed onto the “Pillow Top” bed, causing him to bounce straight back upright with the words, “I’m alright, Hon!”
He stumbled around all day, often lagging behind the crew. He must have appeared like a challenged person because most people avoided him like the plague. Walking in a crowd was like he had the power to part the Red Sea.
When Grumpy and Willy Boy sat in the bar at the London Arms (Girls shopped in the Mall) another problem presented itself. When natured called, Grumpy soon discovered that standing on your tip toes as you relieve yourself is not unlike trying to keep your balance in hurricane force winds. Spray management became optimized only with the use of two hands. The guy standing beside Grumps probably though the old guy was as drunk as a skunk, given the swing and sway in his stance.
Furthermore, when Grumps ambled back to the bar table his gait surely suggested that he had switched teams. Willy Boy and Grumpy get this a lot when they are in Florida. They spend a lot of time at the pool together and are never embarrassed to slather suntan oil over each other’s back. Their beautiful daughters once proclaimed that, if their mother’s left them, they’d surely move in together a la Felix Unger and Oscar Madison. THE REALLY ODD COUPLE!
It would probably go something like this: (Click the link to view video) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfeSSw69cC4
Nonetheless, Grumpy “tip-toe-waddle-waddled” all day long much to the amusement of his Niagara companions. You see, the pain was excruciating when those heels hit the floor. Grumpy tripped over curbs, slid on the slick ice, and stumbled and bumbled his way through each and every activity. The treacherous walk uphill to the Margaretville Restaurant was like climbing Mount Everest on crack.
The “Jersey Nights Show” at the casino theatre nearly led to disaster.
You see, Grumpy utilized the “tippy-toe-waddle-waddle” as he descended the stairs out of the theatre. He ended up taking the final two steps in one bound causing him to topple forward into the Good Wife’s backside – face first. This caused a chain reaction Domino effect that made its way through the line of patrons.
No matter, the looks of distain quickly evaporated when they turned to look at Grumpy. No one was about to make a scene by dressing down an obviously challenged person.
Grumpy was starting to think of this as, “The Blister Advantage”. He even suggested to Willy Boy that, when push came to shove, they could use one of those more convenient parking spots at the mall.
Al of these incidents put Grumpy in mind of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer gets his mouth frozen at the dentist. You can view an excerpt here. Grumpy finds this a hilarious parallel to what happened to him.
Kramer video: (Click here) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GHd6vavka4
All in all, the “tippy-toe-waddle-waddle” system worked. Grumpy got through the weekend with no other injuries or incidents. The girls had a terrific time, which was our prime goal anyway.
Grumpy did however prove once again that providing an occasional “Jimbo Moment” is still in his repertoire. You see, he aims to please.
NEXT UP: This and That and all the other Niagara Crap: Getting Bilked in Niagara