Grumpy has had to put his grumpiness on hold, pack it away and become Mr. Nice Guy. That’s why he hasn’t posted much here lately. This can’t be Grumpy’s World when you’re not feeling grumpy.
You see, recently Grumpy became a card holding member of PAPA DAYCARE, an organization that all grandparents both belong to and savour magnificently. You see, anytime you can have one-on-one time with a Grandbaby there is bound to be fun and frolic involved.
Grumpy has been babysitting several times a week for about a month now and boy has got stories to tell. He and his buddy Ryder have had innumerable adventures and the odd mishap along the way. The good thing is that neither Papa nor Ryder has severely hurt themselves. Really though, when you put a two year old and a sixty-four year old together there could be pratfalls. But, a few bumps and a bruise here and there are Puppy Chow – incidental and harmless.
Yesterday was a case in point; a day that will go down in infamy as the day Ryder exposed himself in public in his diaper – more than once.
Now, I have to add that yesterday was a very hot and humid day down here in the Banana Belt. The temperature was well into the 80’s, the sun was hot and Grumpy became a walking sweat machine.
You see, Grumpy and Ryder ventured out on a three hour walk. They would follow the wonderful walking trails that crisscross Simcoe, Ontario. The duck park, the playground and visit with mommy at were all on the agenda. Maybe they’d stop off at the Mall for a ride on those kiddie contraptions they have. Papa had a pocket full of loonies, just in case.
The first diaper incident occurred in one of those parks – the duck park to be exact. Seeing as Ryder needed a change and walking back to the house was out of the question, Papa had to be creative. Usually the two adventurers take the car with them, but because it’s summer-like, Grumpy said nada to that. No, they’d walk the entire route.
However, there is no large washroom in this park, only portable-potties and the great outdoors. So, Grumpy used the next best thing for a change table – a picnic table.
When told of this, the Good Wife (Grammy) was not very happy. She said, “Only a male would think of that.” Then scowling she added, “Oh, poor little Ryder”
With tail between his legs, Grumpy responded, “Well there was no one else near us, we were discreet and the gaggles of ducks and geese that were pooping everywhere didn’t seem to mind.”
Grumpy guesses that she’ll be truly shocked in a few years when the two of them both have to pee behind a tree. Folks, that’s what guys do when nature calls and there is nowhere else to tinkle.
Take Ryder’s Uncle Josh, for example. Every time he got off the school bus when he was in kindergarten he’d skidder behind the big pine tree in our yard, pull down his pants and pee. He was very discreet. His sister, Ryder’s mom, was disgusted. She’d run in the house hollering, “Daddy, Josh is peeing again! Its sooooo gross!”
Grumpy will admit that the expression on little Ryder’s face while being changed suggested that he had never been changed on a picnic table before. His face read, “Should we be doing this, Papa?” and “Won’t someone be eating here soon?”
The second incident reminded Grumpy about what his mother, Hellfire Helen, often said. “Never let the devil hear what you’re thinking?” The good wife put it another way. “You’re going to jinx yourself, Grumpy!”
You see Grumpy had been bragging that Ryder hadn’t pooped in four straight visits, even though his mommy said he poops every morning. Well when Papa comes, those are the “every mornings” he doesn’t poop. And, he holds out until he’s back in mommy’s charge.
This is win-win for Grumpy.
Grumpy often teased his little buddy when he sauntered to a quiet corner with, “Are you pooping, Ryder?” or “Have you got a stinky?” Ryder, of course, thought that was pretty funny and giggled. If you are a stand- up comedian for two year olds, the word “Poop” has got to be in every other punchline. That’s a guaranteed laugh, folks.
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?
ANSWER: Because he thought he was going to poop his pants!
Insert guffaws and giggles from a congregation of preschoolers and hold on to those two year olds before they fall out of their chairs.
Well, yesterday, after that long walk, we hopped in the car and set out for the Dollar Store. Just as Grumpy was taking Ryder from the car seat he realized poop time had arrived. A quick backside check revealed his suspicions. However, as Chad Yates would have described it, this was no ordinary poop – this was a poop-nami! This was a crawl up his back stick to every nook and cranny poop-a geddon. This was, “I hope there is a putty spatula in the diaper bag,” kind of deposit.
Thinking quickly, Grumpy decided to do the change on the front seat of the Clown Car, right there in the parking lot. Now, we call this car a Clown Car because it is not much bigger than an E-bike, meaning the front seat might just be suitable for changing a newborn – well barely.
Placing Ryder on the seat, his legs extended well out of the vehicle. The diaper bag was placed in the passenger side foot well. Grumpy went to work with the precision of a plastic surgeon. Copious amounts of Pablum like excrement had to be removed with precision, you see. Using a hand full of baby wipes was his only recourse. He had enough in his hands to polish a car.
Grumpy went to work quickly and efficiently, but soon realized that he needed three hands. He felt more like a one armed paper hanger even though Ryder was in full cooperation mode. Ryder wanted nothing to do with the poopy situation he created. He was motionless, statue-like and was trying to put his feet well over his head almost like some double jointed gymnast in the circus.
Nevertheless, Grumpy almost wished he was a chimpanzee, able to use his foot like a hand, and thereby multi task this sucker back into pristine bum territory.
But, two year olds are wrinkly and sport cracks and crevices everywhere, requiring almost one wipe per square inch of skin. This stuff was like quick drying cement. Grumpy kept working away then noticed a pained expression paint Ryder’s face.
Was he scrubbing too hard?
No, little Ryder’s head extended over the seat and was resting on the seatbelt buckle clasp thing-a-ma-jig. It was like he was saying, “First the picnic tables and now this?”
Meanwhile, the removed diaper and a growing stack of baby wipes were overcrowding his space to the max. Even though poop was everywhere, Grumpy used due diligence to keep it off the car seat. You see, Grammy would be sitting there in about three hours. Grammy with poop on her clothes would not be a good combination.
Putting on the clean diaper and dressing Ryder was like wrestling an alligator. Not because he was uncooperative, but rather because of space restrictions. This job was akin to changing your own clothes in a sleeping bag in a pup tent. It wasn’t going to be easy my friends. But, the job got done.
Grumpy and Ryder headed into the Dollar Store proud and strong because mission impossible had been accomplished. The poop-nami had been conquered, overcome and cleaned up completely. Nevertheless, they left the diaper and the stack of wipes in the car because there was no garbage can in sight. Their one-track-mindedness had them forget what 80 plus degrees temperatures and a closed car can do to a soiled diaper.
As Grumpy and Ryder negotiated the aisles in the store, Grumpy couldn’t help but think that the distinct odour of poop had followed them inside. Ryder’s turned up nose revealed his own discomfort. A quick check of Grumpy’s hands revealed that his personal cleanup hadn’t gone quite so well as Ryder’s. Of course, being male, he used the inside-the-pant-pocket wipe to take care of the problem. Pockets are like handy wipes, you see. When we were kids we called them Booger Vaults, if you catch my drift.
Upon returning to the Clown Car and opening the door, Grumpy knew that diaper disposal had reached a critical mass. Fifteen minutes of baking in 80 degree heat had that car smelling like an outhouse. There was also the matter of leaking milk bag from a few days previous. You can take Grumpy’s word for it that Sour Milk and Baby Poop perfume will never be a competitor for Chanel Number 5.
Again, there was nowhere in sight to dispose of this pile of stinking disposables. Grumpy supposed the Dollar Store didn’t believe in garbage receptacles. They also didn’t believe in dollar pricing either because everything inside was $1.25.
Grumpy and Ryder toughed it out, driving out of the lot with the windows cranked, the air conditioning blasting and their noses pinched between thumb and finger. Grumpy remember that the Canadian Tire Store, about half a mile away, had numerous garbage containers including dumpsters. And, when push comes to shove, this was a dumpster sized load.
After pulling into an open parking space, Grumpy stole his way over to the closest garbage receptacle and deposited his package. He felt like a drug dealer making a drop. He looked this way and that, hoping no one observed the “poop” that was going down.
Meanwhile, Ryder smiled and waved from his car seat calling, “Pop, Pop, Pop!” Grumpy knew that he was pleading with him to hurry-up before anyone saw what he was doing. Having a grandchild ride shotgun is a great backup for you when situations get sticky, my friends. And, this incident was surely sticky in more ways than one.
Well, my own father often said that bad things happen in threes. This day surely proved that. You see, later that night Grumpy’s daughter texted to say that she and Ryder had an “incident” at the play park. Ryder saw a puddle off in the distance and ran as fast as he could to jump into it. The trouble was that the puddle was more mud than puddle. The little guy slipped and fell into it with vigour, covering himself with mud. He was so messed up that Meghan had to have him walk home in his diaper.
So, in one exciting day Ryder exposed his diaper to gaggles of duck and geese, mooned the customers in parking lot of the Dollar Store and walked all the way home from the park in his diaper.
Needless to say, a good time was had by all.
Grumpy knows Ryder won’t remember this when he’s twenty. But, as long as Grumpy continues to write things down the history of Ryder’s early days will be well documented. These journals will especially involve those fun times involving Papa Daycare.
Here’s a video that documents Pops and Ryder’s adventures.