A remarkable event is to take place in just a few days at Grumpy Villa. Pumba the Farting Dog will celebrate his ninth birthday, making him a full 63 years of age in DOG YEARS (7X9). This, in turn, will create an interesting situation; a situation that could create havoc in the household as two Old Farts bang heads and run amuck. You see Grumpy reached his 64th year just this past February.
Pumba and Grumpy have been in conflict for many years now. Each of them strives to be the Alpha dog in their house. This involves a lot of challenges by Pumba and even more shouting and bad language from the Grumps. It is a test to see whose testosterone level has diminished the least. Caught in the middle, the Good Wife merely throws up her hands while she contemplates putting one of them or both of them to sleep – permanently.
This morning was a prime example of how this brewing brouhaha could evolve. Grumpy was tossing and turning, trying to gain a little extra sleep while his carpal tunnel arms buzzed and ached. Pumba, of course, noticed the stirring and began his dreaded “I want out to pee” whimpering. As the whimpering escalated into yelps, the confounding canine walked up Grumpy’s back to plant a wet doggy kiss smack on the lips. He was digging at the covers like he was trying to bury a bone.
Grumpy knows that nothing he can do will stop this assault until he pops out of bed and allows Pumba his morning constitutional. However, once up and out of bed there is no turning back for Grumpy. He’s awake and up for the duration. This usually occurs anywhere from four thirty to six thirty in the morning.
So what does Pumba do after all is said and done?
Well he crawls back onto the foot of the bed with the good wife because, as Alpha Dog, he has put Grumpy on sentry duty so he can slough off and SLEEP.
“$%#@#$# dog!” Grumpy grumbles.
But, it doesn’t stop there, my friends.
Usually, just after Grumps has brewed his morning Joe, Pumba wanders out and begins his “I wanna go out whine”, once again. You see the Grumpy’s made the mistake of rewarding this dog with a treat each time he goes outside and does his business. So now that he’s an old dog and expects certain rights and privileges, he’ll deposit his business somewhere in the house if the routine is not maintained.
Strategic placement is involved here as said deposit is usual placed in a footpath ready for Grumpy to step upon.
Pumba continues this treat scam by applying the tried and true technique of rising decibel yelps. So, as Grumpy’s coffee cools, he goes to the door to let the dog out, yet again.
From time to time Grumpy has tried to ignore the second whimper but to no avail. This technique only leads to “woofing” which may in turn escalate into a full-fledged bark.
“Be quiet you stupid %%$%$# dog!” Grumpy wails, his voice rising to a whine.
“WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!” the dog replies in turn.
This pissing contest between two ancient Alpha dogs can quickly reach epic proportions. The danger here is waking the Good Wife from her beauty sleep. And, friends, you do not want to wake a woman from her beauty sleep, no way no how; unless of course, you want to deal with the Beast that resides within that beauty. The consequences are too gruesome to share in this family friendly blog.
Upon the third or fourth incident this routine quickly escalates into all-out verbal/barking warfare.
“Pumba, you %#$%% dog, shut up!”
“WOOF, WOOF, BARK , BARK!”
“Shush, you %$#$%% moron!”
“BARK, BARK, BARK, BARK!”
From the bedroom comes, “Would you two idiots stop fighting – I’m trying to sleep!”
Pumba and Grumpy are now at it tooth and nail not unlike Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in the movie, “Grumpy Old Men”.
I think you get the picture. This is a dog fight neither Grumpy nor Pumba the Farting Dog might win. Until then, the little grey haired Buddha in boxers (Grumpy) makes that trek to the door several times as the furious fur ball (Pumba) barks his approval.
All Grumpy can do is holler, “Pumba, shut the $%$% up!”
The Good Wife has far worse consequences to face because she knows deep in her heart that it will be impossible to teach two old dogs any new tricks. For now, Grumpy suggests she invests in a good pair of earplugs.
Grumpy is sure there will be more tales to tell as these two Old Farts continue to clash and conflict. You’ll surely read all about it here.