Grumpy is Sick and Tired of W-I-N-T-E-R!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Grumpy was looking out the window at the back 40 today. What wasn’t white was frozen like a popsicle! Indeed he waxed nostalgic about flowers, sunshine and green grass. That’s why he posted the Garden Tour video in the space below. Take a peek if you too long for those good old days of summer.

There are about 6 weeks to go before the Grumpy’s make their annual Florida trek. Grumpy hopes he makes it until then.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTBJm00a-zc

GRADENtourTWO 048

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Grumpy’s 12 Crazy Days of Christmas


It’s the Christmas Season folks(The Festive Season for those who need Grumpy to be politically correct).

Had a conversation with my son, Alberta Matt. Through text exchanges we both came upon the notion that we’ve been too negative these 12 Days of Christmas. The Good Wife points this out to the Grumps regularly. Grumpy told Matt that it’s in our genetics or possibly from what we picked up from Hellfire Helen, my spitfire mother.

Alberta Matt said he’s feeling this way from all the recent bad luck that his come his way. Grumpy gets this feeling from the escalating cost of Christmas. The foraging/gathering gene in our female partners mutates in November/December like an H1N1 virus on crack. This creates a frenzy of spending that make piranha appear docile and sublime by comparison.

The MASS in Christmas has become the “mass hysteria” of BLACK FRIDAY and the CHRIS is all about the overspending of CHRIS KRINGLE. Only the “S” remains, and Grumpy will tell you it doesn’t stand for SOLVENT. No, it stands for STANDARDS AND POORS and you know what side of that financial institution you are likely to find yourself on.

POORS!

Or at the very least – somewhat POORER!

You see, at this time of year, Grumpy and Barack Obama often compare notes on their fiscal bottom line. And, if you really want to know, Grumpy’s line surely is about to hit rock bottom. The old bank account quickly changes from hues of black to bright red and Canadian Tire Money and Tim Horton’ Gift Cards take on a new value. Rolling those coins thrown in the Double Bubble Bucket become Priority One.

If money only grew on trees!

All of these positive vibes (tongue in cheek) give Grumpy pause to write about his new positive outlook on the FESTIVE season. He has his health and his mind is clear even though he’s looking for trailer homes and double wide’s when it comes time to pay the bills.

You can hear him singing, “Deck the halls with invoices, receipts and bills -Fal a la la la – la la-la- LA – Ba Humbug!”

It goes without saying that Grumpy expects his usual lump of coal!

He’ll follow this up with three videos he thought you might enjoy.

GRUMPY’S TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (Parody)

On the first day of Christmas Ontario Hydro gave to me
A huge Hydro bill with a gosh darn transportation fee

On the second day of Christmas VISA gave to me
Two heart palpitations
And a huge Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the third day of Christmas Pumba gave to me
Three smelly farts,
Two heart palpitations and a honking Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the fourth day of Christmas the Phenom said to me
I need forty bucks, pops;
Three smelly farts , two heart palpitations and a ginormous Hydro bill with a WTF transportation fee

On the fifth day of Christmas the Good Wife gave to me
F–i–v–e honey-do list things!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a GD Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the sixth day of Christmas the Maple Leafs gave to me
Six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a big Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the seventh day of Christmas the weatherman gave to me
Seven inches shovelling,
Six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a fat Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the eighth day of Christmas my stomach gave to me
Eight aching hours,
Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a Hydro bill with a freaking transportation fee

On the ninth day of Christmas Clark Griswold gave to me
Nine broken bulbs,
Eight aching hours, Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a lengthy Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the tenth day of Christmas the family feast gave to me,
Ten Rob Ford’s eating,
Nine broken bulbs, eight aching hours, Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a another Hydro bill with a transportation fee

On the eleventh day of Christmas my conscience said to me
“Eleven Cookies Crumbling”
Ten Rob Ford’s eating, nine broken bulbs, eight aching hours, Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a Hydro bill with a threat to cut off the feed

On the twelfth day of Christmas I needed this for me
Twelve ice cold BEERS!
“Eleven Cookies Crumbling”, Ten Rob Ford’s eating, nine broken bulbs, eight aching hours, Seven inches shovelling, six straight losses,
F–i–v–e honey-do list t-h-i-n-g-s!
I need forty bucks, pops; three smelly farts, two heart palpitations and a

A place to plant my  much needed MONEY TREE!

GRUMPY’S FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONG

images

Willy Boy and Jim Shady: We Ain’t Jackson or McGraw


On the occasion of their wives upcoming 50th birthdays Willy Boy and Grumpy surprised their girls with a special presentation. Their idea was to give the girls a special gift during one of their visits together.

On their 40th Birthday the boys took their wives to a weekend in Port Stanley. They stayed in a pair of loft suites at the Inn on the Harbour, shopped the unique businesses in the Port, had a gourmet meal in a nice local restaurant and shuffled off to White Oaks Mall in London, Ontario for some Christmas Shopping. The boys also prepared a great breakfast of fruit and pancakes  -ensuite – on the Sunday morning. They pampered their Princesses to the max!

Ten years later the boys wanted to top that weekend with something more. However, much like CCR, their personal finances were more like “Willy and the Poor Boys” than anything else. After saving bits and pieces of their weekly stipends, taking all their empties back for their deposits in cash ,finagling Peter to pay Paul, and selling all of their Canadian Tire money at a 10% discount, they finally put together enough money to pull the darned thing off.

The girl’s 50th Weekend Birthday Bash would include 2 nights deluxe accommodation at the Courtyard Marriot in Niagara Falls, a gourmet meal at an Italian eatery, a day of shopping at the Penn Center Mall and Outlet Stores, dinner and drinks at Jimmy Buffet’s Margaretville Restaurant, $50 slot voucher for the Falls View Casino,  tickets to the show at the Falls View Theatre -“Jersey Nights” (The Four Seasons), late night drinks at the casino bar and a little R. and R. in-between all of the action.

The following YouTube video showcases the beginning of their presentation. And, as you soon discover, Willy Boy and Jim Shady “Ain’t No Jackson or McGraw!” But, as usual, a good time was had by all.  There’s never a dull moment when the Waggles and the Grumpy’s get together.

Willy Boy and Jim Shady WILL NOT be on tour anytime soon. They will remain strictly studio artists and leave the touring up to old guys like Lord Elton.

Just click on the arrow to start the video. Ear plugs may be required and we’ll go with the disclaimer that any naughty words were just thrown in for effect.

You must be a Redneck if . . .


Every time I think I’ve come up with something new for this blog space I get gobsmacked with something else. Try as I might I just can’t get away from the Redneck/Podunk theme that seems so pervasive here in Norfolk County.

Upon scanning the local Want Ad paper (The Lakeshore Shopper), my eyes were draw to this particular advertisement. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that they were going to hold a DEMOLITION DERBY, in the snow, in the winter.

They even have classes:

Pro Class (Are there actually professional Demolition Derbiers?)

Full Sized Straight Stock (The NASCAR of demolition, I presume.)

Minimash (As opposed to the Maximash?)

The Lucas Oil 4cyl Figure Eight Race

Say what? I think that’s the one where all hell breaks loose in the middle cross-over section.

Lezz-go! Bang-Smash-Pow!

DERBY3

I’m glad they boldly stated that SNOW TIRES are REQUIRED! There wouldn’t be much smashing if the cars couldn’t move. The crowd would be screaming, “More sand! More salt! Bring on the front end loaders!”

No doubt, the kids would be yelling, “Snow day! Snow day! Yeah!”

Now let me tell you a little something about Tillsonburg. That’s the place “Stomping’ Tom Connors” sang about. (He of the piece of plywood stomped into kindling as he sings.)

“Tillsonburg, Tillsonburg, my back still aches when I hear that word!”

http://www.stompintom.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6EiYbRTv4M

You see, at one time, this fair community was in the heart of tobacco country. Old Tom was singing about priming those leaves by hand out in the fields. Tom is also the writer of that classic, “The Good Old Hockey Game.”

Another famous local is Colin Campbell, one of the Vice Presidents of the National Hockey League. He’s the guy that doles out the suspensions for head shots and the like. Perhaps they could bring him in for the Derby to monitor the “hitting from behind.” No, that wouldn’t work in a Demo Derby would it! Don Cherry you can put those stop-sign stickers in your back pocket.

Here are the actual DD rules if you’re interested.

http://www.ontariodemoderby.com/rules.htm

Here’s a good one.

5. Aggressive driving is limited to the track during the race.  It will not be tolerated in the pit area

But, I think road rage is the entire purpose of the event don’t you.  Go figure?

6. If a car catches fire while participating the driver will be immediately disqualified, unless in the final position in which case the 2nd place car must make a competitive hit (2-3 second carburetor fires will be tolerated if it extinguishes without assistance)

Holy Hannah, if my car catches on fire my ass would be out of there and running for cover before the smoke cleared the windshield.

And, what about rule #8?

8. There is ZERO TOLERANCE for the use of any alcohol or drugs prior to or during the race.

I’d like to see the police set up a RIDE stop during this mayhem! That would be quite a show in the snow. But, I guess after the race anything goes.

DERBY

BTW, back when I was a classroom teacher one of my students, Josh, told me about how he and his grand pappy prepared GRAIN COMBINES for the GRAIN COMBINE Demolition Derby. That’s right, massive combines fighting it out for smash-up supremacy. Better get out there you Transformers fans. Did I mention that the boy was 12 and drove transport trucks for his grandpa on back country roads? “Ya, I jist help him out movin’ em around, is all!”

How about a Demo Derby in the MUD!

DERBmud

Actually this whole winter has been a bit of a DEMOLITION DERBY on Ontario’s roads. Just a few weekends back the Ontario Provincial Police reported investigating 1600 accidents in two days. And, we’ve all heard of those massive car pileups.

So, in these wintery conditions SLOW DOWN and drive CAREFULLY. You don’t want to end up in one of these.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbtThZ_ozZU

Hi Ho!