Grumpy Digs Up the Truth in advertising one Spoonful at a Time

What Ads should Really Say!

Grumpy wrote this a few years ago to be posted on another BLOG site. He feels his rant still has legs to stand upon. He’d like to share it with his WordPress audience. If you have an example to share please do leave a comment.

Here’s a short and sweet comment regarding a couple of things that tick Grumpy off in the media and advertising. Grumpy believes in truth in advertising, so this is his take on what should have been said in the media.

ITEM #1 Truth in Advertising: Viagra Commercial

There are some commercials running in Canada that are really quite cute. Two of them go something like this.

VIAGRA 1

Husband (standing in full frame): “My wife and I like to stroll. In fact, we stroll everywhere.”

CUT TO SCENE: Chubby guy following his wife in some kind of power walking scenario. Both are looking bored. Husband looks way out of shape. Wife looks pissed. Appears as if they’ve been married . . . oh . . . 30+ years or so.

Husband (back to full frame): “Then I decided to try Viagra.”

PAUSE

Husband: “We don’t stroll very much any more!”

Wife stands smiling at his side. She has one of those Cheshire-Cat type smiles. Both are way beyond middle age. They look like your Uncle Ernie and Aunt Alice.

YYYYEEEWWWW!

VIAGRA 2

It goes something like this.

WIFE: My husband likes to watch a lot of sports on the TV.

SCENE: Husband and wife on the sofa, both looking bored and definitely not in touch with one another.

WIFE: He even watches darts!

PAUSE

WIFE: Then I got my husband to try Viagra.

PAUSE

WIFE: Now we don’t watch sports anymore.

Smiles and chuckles become the order of the day.

Don’t you think this is false advertising? This isn’t reality! The commercial should really go something like this.

Grumpy’s Viagra Commercial

WIFE: My husband and I don’t really communicate anymore. I do my thing. He does his thing. We pretty much go our own way.

CUT TO SCENE: Husband reading the paper, beer in his hand. Wife is knitting a sweater. Both are about as attractive as two homeless people on skid row. Wife has hair in rollers and is wearing a bulky housecoat. This could be your mom and dad.

WIFE: Then I got my husband to try Viagra.

PAUSE:

WIFE: Now he’s hardly home any more.

CUT TO SCENE: Husband grinding it out on the dance floor with a bevy of Cougars dressed like skimpy Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Don’t you think that’s more reflective of this guy’s personal reality.

ITEM #2 Truth in Advertising: Moore’s Suit Commercial

I’m not quite sure, but I think this commercial is by Moore’s, a men’s clothing store. Anyway, the commercial shows a really cool looking dude, unshaven, hair askew, strutting along like a model in a fashion show of sorts. The dude’s approaching middle age, has some salt and pepper in his hair, and he wears stylish glasses.

I’m thinking, “Ya, I could look like that dude!  I could have that swagger”

So I decide to table my idea and so I say to the Good Wife, “I think I could get that look, hon. Hey, I’d be pretty suave. Waddaya think, babe?”

Here’s where reality jumps in to kick me in the ass.

My dear wife responds by saying, “EEEEWWWW! I wouldn’t want men looking at you that way!”

TRANSLATION: If Grumpy dressed like the commercial he’s going to come across as if he’s switched teams and gone to the other side.

Grumpy guesses it’s a matter of point of view. But, he also begins to wonder why he was attracted that look in the first place. He’s better stick to his vagabond style of T-shirts and jeans – the rugged grandpa look!.

Yet again, there must be truth in advertising. Sometimes Grumpy just doesn’t see it.

ITEM #3 Truth in Advertising: GM”s Newspaper Car Ads

Over the past few months Grumpy kept coming across these full page ads in the newspaper from General Motors. All have huge graphics displayed with all the numbers as plain as the eye can see. They advertise a tremendous deal on two particular vehicles. And, guess what, it’s called THE LAST CHANCE sale.

EXAMPLE:  Pontiac G5 SE $13 998 purchase price and with a $2950 down payments, $84 biweekly for 72 months. This includes a whole whack of standard features.

WOW! Get the Grumpster one of those.

So, old Grumpy decides to scan the internet looking for this vehicle at dealers, including a search of the GM Canada website. Guess what, he can’t find a car of that description anywhere! The only G5’s he sees are listed at a price from $22 000 to $25 000 a pop.

Say what?

Well, there is always that local dealer. That’s the one where he’s purchased three vehicles over the past 18 years. They’re a GM dealer. So he fires off a query e-mail which includes reference to the last salesman who assisted him. Grumpy asks about the “deal” and whether they “can get him one of them vehicles” through a dealer trade. Grumpy getst no response.

Hello?

Grumpy tries to call the Business Manager but can’t reach her so he fires off another torpedo via e-mail, claiming he’ll never again look at a car from GM, because “where’s the customer loyalty, Madame?”

Here’s the response from the Business Manager, verbatim.

“Yes, there are some great deals on all of our vehicles at the moment ;however, stock is obviously dwindling down since these offers have been in place since July 1st.

The advertised promotion of $84 biweekly financed at 5.99% for 72 months with $2,950 cash down ( prior to taxes, destination charge, administration and licensing fees) is a very real quote.

IF, you can find that exact vehicle and I say IF… This is a reoccurring issue we have at this time of year where the customer wants to take advantage of the great deals but either ends up sacrificing color or paying a little more for options that they might not have taken otherwise. What I can tell you is that for the 2010 G5 SE – the deal is very similar with a much greater availability.”

Huh!

Grumpy scanned every corner of Ontario for a vehicle like that and found exactly –ONE! (It was sold!)

So, is this a bait and switch, or what?

“What I can tell you is that for the 2010 G5 SE – the deal is very similar with a much greater availability.”  

Lure Grumpy in with the “so called” deal and sell him a more expensive vehicle . The Grumps first responded to this add early in September and the exact same add appeared in the Toronto paper today, October 8^th! There are none of these freakin’ cars out there! They do not exist! Grumpy is sure these full page color ads cost a bundle.

So, let’s go forward with truth in advertising with this one. We’ll change the copy to reflect reality. We’ll call it the:

NO CHANCE DEAL: ON THE LAST OF THE 2009’s

(You know the fine print at the bottom of those ads; the print you need a magnify glass to read. Well here’s what it should read.)

“You might have gotten this car back in September 2008, because we had about twenty of them in stock worldwide. But, don’t worry, they’re all gone! We have higher priced models filling our lots to overflowing and we’ll gladly sell you one of them at full price. Maybe, had we build a boatload of these smaller economy cars, and maybe if they were available through this sale in October 2009, then just maybe we wouldn’t have gone bankrupt. But, remember –YOU OWN THE COMPANY! We thank you in advance for your tax dollars and subsidies .Buy a car from us and you’ll see that those after tax dollars are well spent, too. Open your wallet! You can take that to the bank . . . sucker!” (DISCLAIMER: Listed price does not include Federal and Provincial Tax)

Pardon me?

Hey, because of all of this Grumpy now drives a Clown Car!

Ya, truth in advertising, that’s what we need more of.

And it all began back when Grumpy was eight years old.

Grumpy Just Got Back from his NASCAR Run in Pittsburgh

Grumpy Just Got Back from his NASCAR Run in Pittsburgh

Grumpy hasn’t posted for a few days because he’s been busy with the Phenom and a whole lot of basketball. The family has spent the last two weekends at basketball tournaments and the team has played nine games in the last nine days. This past weekend the Grumpy’s took the Clown Car to the Pittsburgh Jamfest in, you guessed it, Pittsburgh Pa.

Now Pittsburgh is really cool American city and it has been called the San Francisco of the East. The reason it is called this is because Pittsburgh is built upon very hilly terrain and has rivers passing through it. When you have cities built on hilly terrain with rivers passing through it you have a road system that never runs straight, can’t be put into a grid and, when you look at a map, the road system resembles a big pile of spaghetti.

Cambridge, Ontario is a good example of this roadway phenomenon because you can’t get anywhere there without crossing the Grand River or going up or down a hill. The Grumpy’s packed up their bags and left Cambridge 21 years ago to move to the middle of nowhere, otherwise known as Podunkville South. The only thing Grumpy has to dodge there are tractors and combines.

Let me make myself clear, the roads in Pittsburgh run amuck among these hills, my friends. Grumpy left his heart in this “San Francisco of the East”, not because of love, but because of his 48 hours of NASCAR driving and near incontinence. Grumpy has a love hate with Pittsburgh you see. He loves the city but he hates the driving.

Grumpy will illustrate his angst by describing just a few of his experiences in Pittsburgh.

NASCAR IN PITTSBURGH

The speed sign on a two lane road that twists like a snake through a suburban suburb reads 45 mph. Everyone is driving at least 65, some probably closer to 70 mph. Grumpy feels if you live in Pittsburgh you’d better buy a Ferrari. He had the clown car up on two wheels several times.

The lady in your GPS will be drinking heavily and talking her head off when you are in Pittsburgh. There are so many roads, and just as many twist and turns that each of her commands begin to sound like she’s yelling at you.

“Turn right, idiot, then stay left, merge and turn left, and keep on the current road until you turn around and U-turn. Holy $#$%, I can’t keep up with this!”

And, if you make a wrong turn, she just might say, “You’re on your own, bub. I need another drink. Figure it out yourself!”

Some of the hills on residential streets are more like cliffs. You’d swear you were driving up the ramp on a roller coaster. Some streets are so steep that they actually lay down cobblestone at the top to give you more traction. The houses appear as if they are ready to slide down those hills at any moment. People with vertigo don’t live in Pittsburgh.

Of course, what goes up must come down. Those downslopes are freaking scary, especially if there is a turn at the bottom or a cross street. Grumpy’s thinking a parachute – like on a dragster –might be in order here. Otherwise, check your airbags.

The Bridges across the Ohio River are very pretty. One is painted sky blue and another bright yellow. The problem is you need to cross one of the many bridges (Grumpy counted at least 6 – there are actually 13) to get across the river. Choosing the correct bridge, of course, is imperative. Grumpy suggests you don’t piss off your GPS lady, because she may be your only out.

Driving into Pittsburgh from the West you will find yourself travelling on a nice expressway. This nice expressway runs down a huge hill. (Don’t know how they get up or down it in wintertime?) This huge hill leads you to another huge hill which looms right before your eyes. This hill is called Squirrel Hill. Fortunately, the powers that be have constructed a two-lane tunnel through that hill where no one slows down, the walls feel like they’re closing in on you and tail-gating is the name of the game because this, of course, is a no passing zone. Grumpy suggests adult diapers if you’re going to make that run more than once.

Penn Avenue has beautiful artsy cultural district that runs ten blocks right in the downtown (GPS lady took us there twice.) On a Sunday this main thoroughfare is packed with people. The problem is that on this two lane street people stop their vehicles right in the road, whilst thy run in to pick up food at the many restaurants. No matter, people are driving 20 mph over the speed limit and just blow by. Grumpy is thinking pedestrians are considered no less important than rodent road kill in Ontario.

The last high school we played basketball at had a steeply graded switchback road that made you feel as if you were travelling up Pike’s Peak. I can imagine school bus Armageddon on a snowy winter’s day here. But, I guess it is good training for the students who will soon be driving on these roads themselves. No doubt, they will overcome their “FREAKING FEAR FACTOR”.

The ramp from downtown Pittsburgh onto the expressway that takes you through the Squirrel Hill Tunnel HAS A STOP SIGN AT THE END OF IT!

Let me repeat this for those of you who think this is a misprint. The ramp from downtown Pittsburgh HAS A STOP SIGN AT THE END OF IT!

Yes, you come to a complete stop and twist your head to see cars racing towards you as they come around a bend which, of course, really is the blind spot from hell. This is a judgement call, my friends. You must decide when it’s safe to put “the pedal to the metal” and rocket onto that road. The first time Grumpy accomplished this it was with the soundtrack of the ear splitting screams from his passengers.

Grumpy distinctly remembers someone squawking, “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!”

Roads in Pittsburgh seem to intersect everywhere. You might find as many as five roads coming together at ONE intersection. It is a known fact that Senior Citizens cannot multi-task a five way traffic decision. Grumpy now knows why traffic circles were invented.

Again, Grumpy will reiterate – HE LOVES The CITY OF PITTSBURGH. He just hates driving there. He took a lot of kidding from the Phenoms’ friends. They said, “You were just scared, Grumpy. You’re always so scared when you’re driving!”

Grumpy didn’t admit this but he’d say is feeling were more like “terrified”.

After all, in Pittsburgh you have to drive treacherous twisting roads at 30 mph over the limit, up and down hills not unlike a roller coaster, avoiding drivers that feel because it’s Sunday it must be a stock car race and all the while grip the steering wheel of a tiny Clown Car as if one small slip up will result in wreck suitable for the NASCAR NETWORK with passengers screaming, “We’re all going to die!”.

Nope, I’ll stick to my outback driving where blowing by tractors and combines, bicycles and pedestrians, is the name of the game. You see the Clown Car has a “speed governor” just like a transport truck or a school bus.

So, from here on in, just call me “Governor”, mate, because that’s who’s driving in front of you 10 mph below the limit.

BTW- we made it to the finals of the JAMFEST but unfortuntely we lost!

If you’d like to watch a video on YOUTUBE  of the Phenom in action CLICK HERE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJsLGxxtBSw

“Grumpyisms”: Grumpy puts the MORON in OXYMORON

There are many “isms” as we go through life, several of which become more profound as we become retired or when we get farther over the hill and begin to stumble on the path to the land of six feet under. To be sure, a quick GOOGLE search found Grumpy 234 Philosophical “isms”, many of which he had never confronted before.

SOURCE: http://phrontistery.info/isms.html

For instance, have you ever heard of these obscure “isms”?

Predestinarianism – belief that whatever is to happen is already fixed.

That is an interesting belief.

However, since you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future you’d also better believe in mysticism so you can consult a psychic or palm reader and discover, “whatever it is that will be will be”.

Certainly, Publictransitism may provide a faster, safer, less congested and more efficient route to that understanding.

Fallibilism – view that all human beings are liable to error.

If you’ve got anything out of reading the BLOGS posted here you know that Grumpy is an adherent to this philosophy and is line to become the “poster-child” for Fallibilism. However, he adamantly denies that he once was a proponent of Pratfallism.

Ignorantism – doctrine that ignorance is a favourable thing.

Grumpy favours this philosophy because he knows that “ignorance is bliss”. What you don’t know can’t hurt you, right? And, as Forrest Gump’s mother proclaimed, “stupid is as stupid does”.

When we have a whole heap of knowledge about what is going on and how things work, that very familiarity produces our ulcers, hypertension and the heebee-geebees. Just don’t let your Ignorantism grow into Dumbassism or someone just might sell you the Brooklyn Bridge or have you voting for Tim Hudak.

But, once Grumpy read their meaning, he became a true believer in two of the “isms” he found – given their particular reference to how Grumpy views the world.

Gradualism – belief that things proceed by degrees.

It’s like ageing – in the beginning the clock ticks slowly, as the years float by. Closer to the end, the slide to Old Fartdom seems gradual until you pass that mirror or try to bend over to flip the flap on your Velcro shoes. Grumpy is all in when it comes to a gradual journey through life.

Absurdism – a doctrine that says we live in an irrational universe.

The proof is in the pudding, my friends. If you read newspapers or watch news’ shows you catch my drift. I’ll give you one current news item to prove this and it’s called North Korea. But, then again, if you are really into Ignorantism, this wouldn’t bother you a bit, would it.

The problem for Grumpy, of course, is that he’s not quite sure whether we live in a world of Gradual Absurdism or Absurd Gradualism. I’ll let you be the judge.

In terms of this blog, of course, we are more in tune with what the humorous side of “isms” might give us.

Take this Bill Clinton-ism as an example. He once said, “”Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.”

Read more at http://www.ranker.com/list/bill-clinton-isms-bill-clinton-gaffes-and-funny-quotes/notable-quotables#oUs8Z9yKS1t1RRVg.99

Each of us has our own “isms” to pontificate upon. Here are some examples.

GRUMPY-ISM: That’ll make the cheese more binding!

What is THAT anyway? And, have you ever seen a constipated mouse?

Observations from the CLOWN CAR.
LANDMARKS

GRUMPY’S FATHERS-ISM: Who has more fun than people?Monkeys and Kim Jong-un!

GOOD WIFE-ISM: I left the Honey-do list by the phone, Grumpy!

“Sorry, honey, I misplaced that list when I took out the trash!” (Or was it that I put the list IN the trash; you know, trashed the list, as it were?)

HHHmmmmmm!

After a little more investigation Grumpy found some “isms” he’d like to share with you. These particularly relate to those of us of mature status who get a discount day at Shopper’s Drug Mart and free coffee refills.

SOURCE: http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/jokes/jokes_over60.htm

The easiest way to find something that’s lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

This happens all the time around Grumpy Villa. The Good Wife is so in tune with Grumpy’s rants.

“Where the $%$# is the %$##% scotch tape?” Grumpy rants.

The next thing you know, after the Good Wife has run her errands, scotch tape shows up in the place it had been misplaced from. That’s usually about the same time Grumpy finds the original lost tape seconded in its hiding-misplaced-place. Let’s just say it wasn’t his sock drawer.

In this case, this really is good adhesivism because in our house you can never have enough scotch tape.

Certainly, this falls within the category of “senior moments” because if Grumpy Villa had a Lost and Found department Grumpy would never be able to find it. He does, however, never forget where the Complaint Department is located.

For a good laugh watch this video song about Senior Moments and “Brain Farts”. Grumpy  could totally relate to this one.

http://geezerguff.com/category/youtube/

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you?

Grumpy is from the school of, “do as I say, not as I do”.

Inevitably, what he does do is the wrong way, especially when he can’t find success. The Good Wife often gently reminds him of this with remarks like, “Why don’t you try it this way, Grumpy?”

So, Grumpy, being a wise old owl, has adapted to and accepted this approach wholeheartedly. He now is of the school of, “yes dear, I will do as you say I should do, and do as you direct me to do.” I guess this is something that directly connects to the marriage vows when he said, “I do!” You see compliance is written in the contract.

This, of course, allows him the luxury of a rebuttal when he complains, “I told you so,” when things still don’t work out. Actually, Grumpy never says this – he just thinks it, which leads us nicely into the “ism” that follows.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

This is the toughest job ever for us cantankerous old dudes. You see, foot in mouth disease can only be cured by huge doses of “bite your tongue” interventions. That’s tough when you start losing teeth on a regular basis.

These tempting moments arise so quickly that our brains want to pounce on them as if they were sweet treats splayed out at Christmas.

Just ask any store clerk, waitress or counter staff person about the verbal barrage they receive from the older generation.

“Do you want fries with that, sir?”

“Fries?  Well hell no! I don’t want to bloat up like you fat-assed teenagers.”

 Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ‘XL’.

Enough said, right!

But, if you shop in the U.S. all sizes are downsized such that the MEDIUM you try on is really an Extra-large; which for me means, trying on SMALLS works well. And, I truly believe they have side-show slimming-mirrors in those shops because Grumpy has never seen such a svelte image of himself. He’ll often stand there admiring his 20-something body whilst trying to remember that item he was looking to purchase.

“Ah, scotch tape. Yes, that’s what it was!”

Now if you do pick up an EXTRA LARGE stateside you have the prospect of double-duty from that item. I use my EXTRA LARGE items to build Pup Tents for the grandkids.

 The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

I’ve already written about how waiting in line is torture for us as we get older. When we’re hungry we want to eat –NOW! When we get our new licence sticker we want it – NOW! When we’ve got to pee – well you get my drift.

But this “ism” is totally true when it states “fewer things seem worth waiting in line for”.

The only line Grumpy wants to grow longer is the one leading up to the “Pearly Gates”. He won’t complain if he stands in that line for many more years.

So, there you have it. Grumpy’s dissertation on all things “ism”.

You might come to the conclusion that Grumpy places the same value on “isms” as he does on acronyms, that of unserviceable verbal diarrhea. No doubt, their place in our daily life is meant to confound and confuse. Grumpy just wants “plain talk” with simple words and short sentences.

VETRENARIAN:  “Your dog has a hyperextended colonic twist which creates pain in his abdominal hind quadrant called digestive inflammatory trunkouchyism.

TRANSLATION: You dogs pretty sick, sir!

In Grumpy’s esteemed opinion too many people talk in a gobbledygook blunderbuss form of human-speak. And, friends, you can take Grumpy’s view to the bank because of his total conversion to laxism.

Laxism: a belief that an unlikely opinion may be safely followed.

Now that he’s explained this all to you, and he is convinced that you are now informed, he’s about to exercise his daily pursuit of relaxism.

And, remember what Hans Christian Andersen wrote,

“Enjoy life. There’s plenty of time to be dead.”

How to Avoid Crotchety Old Fart Syndrome

Kids have bad attitude, middle aged men have a crisis, and old men have the grumps.

The most difficult thing to avoid as you become older is becoming a crotchety old fart. You know the drill. That old guy that is not only miserable but also carries around an attitude of, “I’ve paid my dues so everyone else can get the hell out of my way!”

CROTCHETY: subject to whims, crankiness, ill temper, odd notions, whims, grouchiness and capriciously stubborn or eccentric.

OLD FART: a person who is regarded as being set in his or her ways and lacking a sense of humour.

What a combination that doth make! Put them together and what have you got – well certainly not, “Bibbidy-bobbidy-boo!”

No, what you have is someone who might get profiled on, “America’s Most Wanted.”

CROTCHETY OLD FART: CONSIDERED ALARMED AND DANGEROUS!

The Urban Dictionary has an entirely different take on OLD FART:

What you smell when you smack your hand on your couch, car, or dining room chair, seat cushions.

I was doing spring cleaning and beating the dust off the couch when that old fart hit me right in the face.

Oh, my!

You can actually do an online QUIZ to see if you qualify as a crotchety old fart here: http://www.gotoquiz.com/are_you_an_old_fart

And, Grumpy has discovered there are some perks involved when you become an old fart. For example:

1.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.  In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3.  No one expects you to run–anywhere.

4.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

5.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

6.  Things you buy now won’t wear out.

7.  You can live without sex but not your glasses or Metamucil.

8.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

9.  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

10.  You sing or whistle along with elevator music.

11.  Your eyes won’t get much worse.

12.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

13.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

14.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

15.  Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

When it comes to multi-tasking you are an expert. I once saw a T-shirt that read, “I’m So Old. I Can Cough Fart, Sneeze and Pee All At the Same Time.” And, of course, “Old is when getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fibre today.”

But the real issue for me is the crotchety part; the “becoming difficult and feisty” syndrome.

I realize now that a lot of this has to do with aches, pains and stiffness and a general frustration with the vagaries of aging. For instance, you drop something for the fourth time and “cuss” because now you have to bend over for the fiftieth time that day.  You wish you had retied your shoe when you were down there picking up the results of your dropsy because the laces are flailing out to the sides. And, where did that dust bunny come from, Easter was last freaking week.

I think you catch my drift.

The biggest loss in your Golden years is the loss of “patience”. Everything takes too long, people talk too much, lineups are too slow, the print on boxes is too small, life is too short and those, “Damn kids today can’t make change unless they’ve got a calculator in hand!” Really, it’s all about time mismanagement, and not by you of course; it’s by those morons who serve you.

‘Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.’  Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949.

Grumpy would like to illustrate his lack of patience with a few examples.

GRUMPY’S PATIENCE PET PEEVES

Drive through lines that meander – putting the idea of “fast food” in the category of an oxymoron.

People who can’t seem to get their money in hand at the checkout and then pay everything down to the penny, whilst the lineup behind them grumbles and mumbles ad infinitum.

People who can’t make up their minds at the burger joint despite the fact that all of the food is displayed on huge pictures designed for morons and dyslexics.

Myopic drivers with tunnel vision who have no clue there are any other cars on the road in front, beside of behind them. They must be vampires because they never look in their MIRRORS!

Cell phones with touch pads you need a microscope to decipher and the over-the-hill all-thumbs syndrome where you can’t type worth a delusional chimpanzee.

Then there’s the problem of every task you do creates other tasks  -exponentially.  Taking out the trash involves cleaning up the mess after you drop or break something, retracing steps to grab what you missed or forgot, rebagging after you force a tear, getting distracted by other jobs as you move about and generally taking extra time to do something you once thought was a piece of cake.

Indeed, as you age the old adage of, “The hurrier I go the behinder I get!” becomes your mantra. “I’m retired, damn it, I’ve got places to go and people to see!” “What’s taking so damned long?” Heck, your time might be hastily running out so every second counts, right?

As Thomas Fuller (1608 – 16 August 1661) decried, “Abused patience turns to fury.”

Well you %4#@$* well got that right. Mess with Grumpy’s patience and you’re liable to be strafed by “F-Bombs”.

Oh my, there’s that “crotchety syndrome” raising its ugly head again. Maybe there’s a pill for that! But really, crazy as it seems, Grumpy could give up drinking because he can get the same feeling from just standing up quickly.

But, he won’t? And, he doesn’t need MORE pills!

So, what does Grumpy need to avoid CROTCHETY OLD FART SYNDROME?

Grumpy may sound like a broken record on this topic but, when push comes to shove, it is a smile, a good laugh and a young at heart outlook that prevents the GRUMPS.

For this purpose I will leave you with two things to brighten your day.

First of all, the link below will take you to Donald Mill’s BLOGSITE, “THE PROBLEM WITH YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY IS . . .” Take the time to explore his humour blogs because his tirades make Grumpy’s rants sound like a sedated Jiminy Cricket.

(CLICK THE LINK TO CONNECT TO DON)

http://crabbyoldfart.wordpress.com/

And here’s a little joke that really puts all of this in perspective.

Surely I can’t look that old?

http://www.bitoffun.com/jokes_old_farts.htm

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?”

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his D.D.S. diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my High School class some thirty-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however I quickly discarded any such thought, this balding, gray haired man with deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, Hmmm, or could he??

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School.

”Yes, Yes, I did.” He gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “in 1967, why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

And then, that miserable, near-sighted, ugly, wrinkled old-fart jerk asked, “What did you teach?”

REMEMBER: Old is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

So, slow down and fill each second with joy and laughter. The minutes, hours and days will take care of themselves.

Or, on the other hand, the less patient of you can take some, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” chill ointment – otherwise know as a few doses of Corona, some Bob Marley CD’s and a good book that makes you laugh.

Tip a Hat to Grumpy: He’s Got Huge Melon Problems

“Hey Grumpy, “I bet you have to hide from Charlie Brown on Halloween”

Grumpy has a big head. His melon is of championship pumpkin size. Unfortunately, through genetics all of his children have inherited coconuts that rest upon their necks like giant boulders, too. At least, when we smile we give the appearance of a giant “Happy Face” in Porky Piggish kind of way.

No one wants to look like a bobble-head, right?

Big heads are problematic, you know. When Grumpy was a toddler he remembers his mother, Hellfire Helen, trying to pull on his T-shirts at the risk of ripping off his ears. Pulling that T-shirt off for her was like calf roping as little Grumpy spun around the room in defiance. Indeed, when he was a baby, Helen taped back Grumpy’s ears in the hopes that they’d snuggle more closely to his skull.

It didn’t work!

“Yo’ head’s so big you have to step into your shirts!” isn’t really that funny to Grumps. Nor is the common tease, “Hey buddy, you don’t have a forehead, you’ve got an eight head!”

Some tests conclude that babies with bigger heads at birth are more likely to have high levels of intelligence later in life. If you’ve read any of the blogs here you know Grumpy has disproved this notion in spades.

Learning to walk for big heads is a problem as well. Tip that head forward a millimetre and you become tipsy; the sheer weight of that noggin creating an imbalance the legs can’t control. And, of course, it’s the old noodle that hits the ground first.

So many times, Grumpy fell into a face-plant that he often put his buck teeth through his lower lip. He has the chin scars to prove this. Big heads and buck teeth go together like toast and jam.

Don’t talk to Grumpy about hats. His ball caps are like bushel baskets. He could carry a picnic lunch in there. Thank goodness the Big Guy provided him with those protruding ears. They act as lugs to rest his humongous hat upon.

And, why is it that big heads lose their hair so readily? Once that hair is gone the old noggin reflects light like a garden globe, often ruining photos or blinding oncoming drivers.  A big bald melon can be hazardous, friends. Looking like a lollypop has distinct disadvantages.

Eyeglasses are forever making your head look even bigger. You see, spectacles seem stretched on bigger faces, and they do not comfortably rest on the ears. It helps a lot if your ears stick way out like Grumpy’s. But, that’s just for comfort not for appearance.

The news isn’t all bad for bigheads! Science has proven that, on average, all North American heads are getting bigger.

“To make this discovery, University of Tennessee anthropologist Richard Jantz had to measure hundreds of skulls of white Americans born between 1825 and 1985. His findings suggest that the typical American head has grown by about a third of an inch (8 mm) over the course of that time – a paltry 160 years. It might not seem like much, but the added space can accommodate a significant amount of new brain.”

http://io9.com/5916629/why-are-american-heads-getting-bigger

This increase in size creates greater brain space and there is proof that people with big heads DO have bigger brains. The good news is that big heads and big brains protect you against dementia.

Chinese medicine, in a Feng Shui sense, characterizes big heads this way.

For men: a full round head which is neither unbalanced nor has indents indicates a long life of wealth, with nobility of name and the respect of the community. Heads that are perfectly rounded are especially desired, as this kind of head is lucky and auspicious. A man with this kind of head is described as honourable and upright.

http://www.wofs.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=562:sign

So, a great big full rounded pumpkin head is desirable in terms of respect and dignity. Have you ever noticed that TV anchormen usually have humongous heads? There is a method to this madness, friends.

The article cited above goes on to say, “The head of both men and women should be strong, robust and have an appearance of great vigour. The head and face is where the YANG energy of the body is concentrated. To be auspicious, one’s head bones need to be strong, slightly prominent and exude an air of authority.”

So, Grumpy has decided that he will take the good with the bad. In a cosmetic sense a big head is an attention getter, but if it means additional smarts, well hell yes, he’ll take the benefit without question.

But, if you see a short, Apple Doll faced, elderly dude with a huge melon at the mall, stay clear of him. It might just be a topsy-turvy tipsy Grumpy who, on a strong gravity day, might be a hazard to you, given your close proximity and his record with the face-plant law of averages.

Here’s a cute little YouTube video to illustrate this blog. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSuj_7DYukk